A few days ago I got to visit Angkor Wat here in Cambodia. It was probably one of the most amazing things I have ever seen. I, and all my teammates, got up at 4am in order to make it there in time to watch the sunrise. (Some were more excited about this than others lol.)
Later, as I sat in a tuk tuk (a sort of little taxi that is basically a moped with a cart attached) waiting on my teammates, I turned suddenly to face a full sized elephant passing our tuk tuk. It was so close that I actually screamed in surprise (much to the enjoyment of the tuk tuk driver lol) and was able reach out and touch it. As I watched it continue on it’s way, weaving into the crazy traffic as if an elephant on the road is no big deal, I thought of God’s unending faithfulness. Sitting there, experiencing amazing, foreign things that I have dreamed of experiencing now for years, I felt the fulfillment of so many words that God has spoken over my life.
To be honest, I didn’t really believe this crazy journey of mine was really going to happen. I’ve wanted to do the World Race for years. I first heard about it not long after it was first established. Back when it was still an actual race where participants didn’t know where they would stay or how they would get to their next check point. Back then I knew it wasn’t my time but I kept it in my heart as a “one day” dream.
When I turned 30 and felt God calling me to something new, the World Race was the first thing that came to mind. I had many options available to me but the World Race seemed the craziest so I knew that’s what God wanted me to do. Not to be crazy for the sake of crazy or so that I could have fun stories to tell but because, some where along the way, I had forgotten to dream big in God. I had stopped believing that God’s faithfulness and love could extend past my failures and mistakes.
In fact, no matter how sure I sounded when I spoke to you all in the States, I didn’t believe I was actually going to go on the Race until DAYS after arriving in Thailand. It sounds so silly, I know. The reality should have hit me LONG before then. (Perhaps on the 16 hour flight or any of the other 30ish hours of travel it actually took to get there!) But it took days for it to truly sink in: I was in Thailand. I was really, truly, actually ON THE WORLD RACE! I remember sitting in one of our little worship services when it hit me.
All through the planning, the application process, the fundraising, the details of being out of the States for a year I had secretly been plagued with doubts. Every step of the way I would fully expect things to fall apart. I doubted my getting accepted and then I was accepted with no issue so I doubted other things. I doubted my ability to plan. I doubted being able to get all the details straightened out. I doubted the fundraising process. I doubted that this was really what God wanted me to do. The list goes on and on. I would have thoughts like, “I shouldn’t do this or that in case it all falls through and never happens.” I would regularly play out scenarios of embarrassment and shame when I had to tell everyone that I wasn’t going after all.
Even after everything working out. Even after meeting everyone on my squad and doing ALL that travel together. Even after a couple days of BEING IN THAILAND and seeing all the sights of Chiang Mai! Still I held this strange, illogical belief in the back of my mind that there had been a mistake and I would be sent home.
When I realized this, in that worship service, days into my journey, I started crying like a baby. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be there. I felt like some kind of an impostor; a fraud. Of all the people God could choose for this amazing journey, why me? I rehearsed all the mistakes I’ve made and the times I have ignored God’s voice over the last few years. Why me? Surely there are many, many people more qualified and full of faith than me! At that moment I heard the gentle whisper of the Holy Spirit, “I have called YOU.” And I felt a wave of God’s love and peace so strong that I couldn’t even stand.
God’s love and faithfulness are in no way effected by my past mistakes or my current insecurities. His love and faithfulness are the same for all time. They are at the very CORE of who He is. His faithfulness is from everlasting to everlasting. It stretches far beyond anything I can imagine. Many times He has spoken over my life, calling me to serve Him among the nations. He is faithful to bring these words to fruition in my life, no matter how long it takes. My small obedience, my tiny, uncertain whisper of “yes” is more than enough for Him to work with. Even though I walked in doubt for MONTHS His faithfulness pushed me ever forward to faith in Him above all uncertainty.
I may have made it past the doubts of being able to fundraise, but I am still going through the process! My next deadline is coming up fast on February 29th and I am still $400 short. Please prayerfully consider partnering with me on my journey of faith around the world. Love you all!
