For the past four years, I have had a title attached to my name. As soon as I graduated from high school, I was Victoria, the Worship Intern. (Which were two amazing & fun years that I wouldn’t take back). I was known amongst my friends as the worshipper. I said yes to pretty much every worship opportunity that was ever offered to me. And it was because I loved doing it so much.
After my internship ended, I took a job, moved away from home, and became Victoria, the Worship Leader. And was again known amongst my new friends as the worshipper and leader. I was again given many opportunities to lead and said yes to almost all of them. At this point, I still loved it, but was growing tired and was burnt out from my job.
Last month, in Botswana, I found myself flinching every time the word ‘worship’ was mentioned. I didn’t want anyone to call me out, associate my name with it, ask me to lead or take charge, or even look my direction. This is when I knew it was time for a heart check.
I talked it out with a couple of trusted friends on my squad. And someone said to me, “You truly do have the gift of leading worship, but it’s not who you are.” And it was at that point, that I realized I had been under the impression that Worship Leader was my identity.
Instead of walking in the identity of daughter, I’d been walking in the false identity of Worship Leader, musician, singer, etc. Which is why I felt guilty or lazy when I wanted to say no to serving opportunities. Worship is who I am. So if I wasn’t leading, what was I doing?
So, three weeks ago, I decided that I am taking a break from leading. I took a step back from my co-worship coordinator position on my squad. I will not be playing guitar, or singing, or leading musically until further notice.
Someone said to me, “It sounds like you haven’t had the chance to find out who you are apart from worship.” So, that is what I will be doing. I will be learning how to walk in who I really am.
We were talking about identity as a team a few weeks ago and about how Jesus walked in His identity so confidently. It dawned on me, that Jesus didn’t know He was God BECAUSE He could heal people. He didn’t figure out He was the Son of God BECAUSE demons would flee at the sight of Him and the command of His voice. He knew who He was and everything else flowed from that.
I want to be more like Him in that way.
I don’t want to be someone who does all the things she’s supposed to, in order to make sure she is still loved. I want to be Victoria, Daughter of the Majesty on High who worships because she can’t hold in the abundant love of the Father any longer.
And I will be. And I know the Lord will bring leading back into my life, but for now, I am being filled and allowing the Spirit to renew my mind.
