It’s been awhile since I’ve written here, but I felt that it was time to record some updates and thoughts. I returned home from squad leading 2months ago now. Some days it feels like just yesterday, but a lot of times, it feels like much longer. After 2 weeks of debriefing and traveling, I made it back to my hometown. Home was sweet-I got to stand by one of my best friend’s side as she said “I do”, see friends and family, and hang out with my favorite pup. But home was short-lived, I left 5 days later to come live and serve in Kansas City as a site director for a site that youth groups come to serve at each week.
Now, here I sit on my sleeping pad, bags packed up around me. We leave Kansas City tomorrow to head back to Minnesota to debrief and process the summer. I’ll say goodbye to the city I’ve called home for 5 weeks and to a team that welcomed me so well just 5 weeks ago. A team that I’ve quickly grown to love and that I know will remain friends as I head out of the summer I didn’t really expect to happen.
For the last 2 years, I’ve moved every month. Kansas City has been the first place that I’ve been in for over a month in the last 2 years. Before that, I was settled in a place and a job, but knew that it wasn’t permanent for more than 1 year or 2. Transitions and goodbyes, while not easy, have become familiar and one of the few constants.
Coming off of the race, I’ve known and felt that it’s time to start planting roots somewhere. To take what I’ve learned and experienced and to figure out what that looks like here and in my daily life. As I’ve been finishing out the summer here in Kansas City, the idea of “home” and what that looks like for me has been on my mind. You see, I know that I want to be planted for a moment, and I also know that it will involve a move to somewhere new. I also know that I have no job lined up and am in the process of figuring that out as well. So as I transition this time, there is a lot of unknown and there isn’t the security that “home” may usually offer.
Spending time trying to figure out where my home is going to be has got me thinking- what exactly is home? They say home is where the heart is, and if that’s the case, my home is scattered through several states and countries around the world. If it’s where I lay my head at night, then for the moment my home is Kansas City, but tomorrow it’ll change. If home is where the memories and people you love are, then again, I have a home that is scattered and will never be all in the same place. For me, I think home is a mix of all of these things and more.
Sometimes, home is seeing and hugging your family and friends that have known you for years. It’s in reminiscing and laughing at past memories. It’s going through the same weekly routine and knowing exactly where you turn to get to the local grocery store and knowing what aisle to find your favorite snack in.
Other times, you’ll feel the most at home having a conversation with a new friend about the way the Lord speaks to you over lunch. In sitting on the floor of a laundromat with a mom and her two daughters hearing her story and struggles as she holds back tears and laughing as her daughters give you a whole new hairstyle. It’s in feeling at home in the unknown and laughing as you take a wrong turn for the third time in a row.
And sometimes, you’ll wrestle with not knowing where your home is, but you’ll hear the familiar still, small voice, and you can rest in that. It’ll be the feeling of home as you let the Father guide you and as you are reminded of His faithfulness and provision.
I’ve experienced all of the above in just these last 8 weeks, sometimes all in one week. It’s been an adventure and such a sweet time navigating between them and allowing the Lord to speak to my heart through each of them. And that’s the true key to what I feel like “home” really is. It’s resting in the Lord and knowing that He’s the constant and He’s the source of my home, regardless of the location. It’s in His presence and love that I rely on and plant myself in. It’s in knowing others and the Lord and feeling known by those around me and knowing I’m known by the Lord.
These days, I can feel at home pretty much anywhere and I can do so quickly. If I’ve learned anything about traveling and making yourself at home, I’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter how long you are going to be in a place, invest deeply as if you’ll be there for a while. Find your favorite café, make friends on your block, and listen to people’s stories and share your own. Continue to let the Lord in to each day and keep your time with Him. There’s something special about knowing where you’re going and knowing the people that you’re passing each day. It’s amazing how many doors the Lord will open when you are willing to just dig in and let roots form, even if you know they may be uprooted and replanted later. It’s sometimes a messy process, but it’s better than never having roots form at all.
I don’t know what’s next and I don’t know where the Lord will take me, but I do know that I’m expectant and excited for what’s next. I’m excited for the people I have yet to meet that will become friends and I’m excited to keep investing in each of the spots and people that have been home for me. I know that I can rest in Him and where He’s leading. I know that now, more than ever, I’m appreciative that the Lord has had me call so many places home and that now home for me is scattered all around the world and so many people have pieces of my heart. It may not always be easy or provide easy answers, but my life is so much sweeter because of it.
And that’s where I’ll end this blog. No real conclusion, just my thoughts on home and what that’s been like for me as I continue on this crazy journey the Lord is leading.
I’d love to leave you with encouragement as well, no matter where you are and if home for you is where you’ve lived 20 years, somewhere you’ve just moved, or you too have a sense of home that is scattered. The Lord gives us the places and people around us, but He wants to be the source of where you rest and feel at home. If you have anxieties, restlessness, or are struggling with the sense of home, lay it down at His feet. What roots have you formed or are you forming? Whose stories do you know and who knows yours? How can you continue to invest where you’re at and how is the Lord using this time and space in your life?
SQL Update: Crazy that I’ve been back in the U.S. for 2 months! At the end of next month, I’ll get to see my lovelies from F squad in Belize. The Lord is doing some incredible things in and through them and I can not wait to hug them and to hear all about it! Thanks for supporting my time on the field and making it possible for me to debrief with them at the end of their month 8 and month 11!
