Picture this: I’m sitting on a bus on my way to Lima. I’m not in the mood to watch a movie and I’ve had way too much coffee to sleep. I’m wired, I’m anxious, and I don’t know what to do with myself. So I begin to think. About the future. About my plans. About my post race life. At this point, I’ve applied for graduate school at Northwestern State University. I’ve decided to further my education in Clinical Psychology and all I need is the confirmation email that I’ve gotten in. I know that part of my life is set, but as I sit on this bus, knees shaking, feet tapping, fingers twitching, I can’t help but shake the feeling that something is missing. That my plan isn’t fully formulated. But what is there to add? What piece of the puzzle is currently being forgotten?
Naturally, as a former athlete, I begin to think of soccer. I’ve applied not only to obtain my Masters at NSU, but to also be a Graduate Assistant for the Department of Psychology; however, since I began the application process, I’ve had a desire to reach out to my coach in hopes that I could assist at practices and help out on the sidelines in any way possible. I knew that if and when I head back to Natchitoches, it wouldn’t feel right if I wasn’t involved in the soccer program. Soccer is what brought me to that school, there’s no way I could go back and pretend that part of my life didn’t exist. Unfortunately, as I sat on the bus, contemplating these plans, they still didn’t feel right. The piece I was trying to cram into my future belonged to someone else. It wasn’t a piece to my puzzle. So what then? What am I missing?
For those of you who don’t know me, I graduated college in three years. I went into Northwestern State with 31 hours, placing me as a sophomore before I had even stepped foot into a classroom. That said, I was able to finish one year early and head out for this gap year adventure called The World Race. When dabbling with the numbers, it’s easy to realize that I still have this thing called “eligibility.” I still have one year left of university level play.
My dad has hounded me since my senior game in 2014 about the idea of finishing my collegiate soccer career post world race. However, absolutely no part of me agreed with the thought. I was stubborn. I was broken. And, quite frankly, I was done with soccer. Don’t get me wrong, my time at NSU was some of the best of my life. I made life long friendships. I played a sport that I’ve loved, cherished, and been given such joy from for 18 solid years. I don’t for a second regret my decision to attend NSU, play soccer with my team, and be a Northwestern State Demon. I’m not sorry that I had the opportunity to experience that and if I could go back, I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. No questions. But still, I had hurt from my time in Natchitoches. College sports are hard. They are time consuming. They are stressful. They are aggravating. Frustrating. Infuriating. Physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. Many a time I found myself wondering if the college athlete life really was the life for me. My freshman year, I found myself at the University of North Texas campus in a meeting discussing the idea of transferring. My senior year, I had so much built up anger toward the sport that I was counting down the games. So my stubbornness shined through when my dad brought up the proposition of me competing again. There was no changing my mind. My life as a soccer player was over. Case closed.
Redemption: the action of saving or being saved from sin, error or evil.
The world race has redeemed a lot in my life, soccer being one aspect. God has had the opportunity to fully transform my view of soccer. He has brought me full circle. At the beginning of the race, I barely even wanted to talk about soccer. I enjoyed playing with the kids, but when someone would ask if it was in my future, I would put my walls back up and avoid the subject. I didn’t want to talk about my last year of eligibility because that meant I had to accept the fact that I was giving it up. That meant I had to admit that I was abandoning my chance. That meant I had to understand that I was failing at finishing. And that hurt more than any pain I’d been through playing the sport.
In the middle of the race, though, I finally found peace. I finally found an understanding behind every hardship I faced in soccer and why it had to happen the way it did. More than that, I was finally able to say I wasn’t giving up my last year of eligibility because I didn’t want it. I was leaving my last year of eligibility alone because God had different plans for me. Soccer was and always will be apart of my life, but I’m not in a place to play any more. And I was finally able to say to myself that that was okay.
But as I was sitting on that bus. Nearing the end of my race. Wired on coffee and adrenaline. Trying to find the missing piece of the puzzle. It finally hit me. I’m not meant to help out with the soccer team. I’m not meant to be on the sidelines. I’m not meant to stand in the background. I have one more year of eligibility and I’m meant to use it. But I had to come full circle on my own. No one else could answer the question for me, I had to find it myself. I wouldn’t be satisfied being an assistant for the team. It would kill me to just sit back and watch people play the sport I love, to watch people win the games that I could be playing. God redeemed soccer for me. He redeemed my hurt. He redeemed my confusion. My frustration. My anger. Any and every ill feeling toward the sport, the program, the people, everything. He redeemed it all.
After finally getting off that bus, I got an email saying I was accepted into the Clinical Psychology Masters Program. I got another email later that week saying I was accepted as a Graduate Assistant for the Department of Psychology. I took a deep breath and sent an email to my coach. This past month, I received my confirmation email that I will be apart of the 2016 Northwestern State Demon Soccer Program.
Soccer has been one of the biggest aspects of my life since I was three. Before the race, I clung to it in a really unhealthy way. I let it become my identity and because of that, I gave the sport the ability to control my emotions and take advantage of my life. I experienced that hurt and brokenness because I gave it all the power. During the race, I finally came to the realization that soccer is not and never will be my identity. My identity rests in God and God alone. He gave me soccer because it brings me joy. He gave me soccer because it brings Him joy watching me play. So when I go back to Natchitoches to attend NSU and play soccer again, I’m going back a changed person. I’m going back with a new mindset. A redeemed mindset. A mindset to play the sport I am able to love because of and for the person who died because He loves me.
Senior Year 2.0, it’s time to see what you have in store for me.
