Lord guide my words, guide this story, for your glory, for your purpose, let my words fall flat if they are not of you, bless this time.
Hey friends, and hello family
I’ve been struggling to figure out how to tell the story of my time at home. This is my second or third attempt, and thankfully my last. Coming home from the mission field was tough. The diminution of my faith was at first very subtle when I returned home, but after some time, it plummeted to a low I had never tasted, but I’ll spare the ugly details.
I still beat myself up about it sometimes, but God is showing me his kindness to forgive, and his patience, and faithfulness to restore me all over again in a whole new light.
The majority of my struggles came from the mass confusion I encountered regarding the head and the heart. I would feel one thing, and know another, or know something, and feel nothing of the sort.
While still only a small portion, this is the reality of willful sin, and a seared conscience.
We see a bit of this expressed in 1 Timothy.
Paul writes:
“Now the Spirit expressively says that in later times some will depart from the faith. by devoting themselves to deceitful spirits and teachings of demons, through the insincerity of liars whose consciences are seared” – 1 Timothy 4:1-2”
I love the usage of the word “seared,” and in a moment, i’ll explain to you why.
First, lets define our terms. To sear something means to burn it with a hot surface for about 3-4 minutes. You can sear your steaks on a hot cast iron pan, and if you do it right, they might end up being pretty tasty (not when I do it), and if you cook a lot, then you’ve likely burned your hand in the process.
I bet that hurt your hand quite a bit, and I think the parallel between that burn and sin is inescapable.
In analogous form, every time we sin it’s like a little burn. The pain is the conviction, that will not allow us to go on sinning, and so we pull our hand back. We repent.
“No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him”-1 John 3:6
“Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance? -Romans 2:4
The Holy Spirit dwelling inside of you will not allow you to keep on sinning. It’s not that you ever won’t sin again, but that you’ll not desire to stay in that sin.
But the thing is, we’re not talking about a small burn are we? We’re talking about a good sear. We’re talking about firmly pressing your hand on a hot pan at 400° for 3 or 4 minutes while your skin is scorched. That is the future of an unrepentant heart.
Take away those 3 or 4 terrible minutes on a hot pan, and instead insert 3 or 4 months of unrepentant sexual sin, and we’ll have the same result. A severely damaged, and unfeeling heart that is far from its natural orientation.
Its not pretty, and there’s a lot of healing that has to come after this, but don’t be discouraged.
That’s sort of how the last months have been for me, but I’m in the process of healing now. I’ve had to relearn a lot of things again, and there’s still more to come, but the kindness of the Lord has seriously stolen my heart, and I’m determined to stay by his side through it.
I hope to encourage you all with this testimony, but also stir conviction in you. If you’re in a place such as this, and you no longer feel God’s love for you, don’t be discouraged. There is hope, you’re not cut off from Christ, and He’s promised to forgive you. He’s given you a way out of your situation, and He cares for you, He is kind, He is everything.
