Okay, so I’m about to get really vulnerable here. Sharing my testimony has always been something that I have been good at, but I have never put it on the internet for anyone to see. I’m a little nervous about this BUT I know that it is just one of the beginning steps of this incredible journey I’m about to embark on.
For those of you who know me, read this as a reminder of how Jesus has worked in my life and how He can impact yours as well.
For those of you who don’t know me well or at all, this is my story…
I grew up in a Christian family, going to church … you know, the usual. As a little kid , church always felt like a chore to me. I would get so bored sitting in the pews listening to a sermon I didn’t understand and I would ALWAYS ask my parents why I had to go.
It wasn’t until I was about thirteen that my faith really began to develop and I began to know who Jesus was and why my parents had always made me go to church. Jesus is love, light, and compassion. Jesus is a friend to all and a Savior to all. He is the reason I am who I am right now and the reason I am still here today.
Still here today? For some of you, that statement might not make sense. Only the people who know me really well understand what I mean by that. Well here is a little background:
My junior year of high school was the absolute worst and darkest time of my life. At the beginning of my junior year, I made an extremely toxic decision that sent me spiraling into a deep depression. My sense of self-worth and self-confidence was in the negatives. Yes, I seemed happy on the surface. My social media portrayed me as happy. I smiled and laughed and acted like everything was fine at school. But everything was far from fine.
Every day, I would come home from school and cry in bed for the rest of the day. My motivation was gone and my grades tanked, I felt like the most unlovable, unworthy person on the planet and honestly believed that if I died no one would care. This depression soon resulted in daily suicidal thoughts. I though the world would be better off without me and that I would be better off without the world. I just wanted to escape what felt like a dark hole that I had been buried in.
My parents were well aware of my mental state, and I started going to counseling and tried a couple antidepressants. Neither of the antidepressants helped and actually made some of my symptoms worse. The counseling, however, was extremely helpful. I continued to see my counselor weekly, who I grew extremely close with, throughout the duration of high school. My family and friends were also extremely supportive and uplifting during this time.
While the support system I was blessed to have helped me in countless ways, it was Jesus who ultimately pulled me out of the pit of depression and suicidal thoughts. I remember feeling hopeless almost every day during my junior year, but that didn’t stop me from reading my devotionals, being honest with my counselor and family, and talking to God about everything. I figured out I had been getting my sense of worth from the completely wrong source: attention from guys. I let guys dictate how I felt about myself and what needed to change. I ignored the true facts:
That I am fearfully and wonderfully made and am a child of God.
This realization, along with the act of completely surrendering control to Christ, is what slowly but surely pulled me out of depression. A couple years after coming out of depression, my mom told me that she had sat in my room every day while I was at school and prayed for Jesus’s presence and truth to enter my mind and life. I had also completely surrendered everything to Christ because my depression had gotten so bad that I knew complete trust in Him was my only option for complete and total healing.
Healing didn’t happen immediately. By the end of my junior year I wouldn’t say I was depressed or suicidal anymore, BUT I still had a lot of internal work to do. I was still making some toxic choices, even though I knew they were toxic. I was listening to lies about my worth and where it came from and it took a long time for me to fully accept that my worth comes from Christ.
The rest of high school was still a struggle for me, even after coming out of depression. My junior year grades were all over the place because of what I had been dealing with, so I had no idea where I would be able to go for college. All I knew was that I wanted to get away and start over somewhere completely new. I remember praying every day that God would reveal His plan for me, but feeling hopeless about my future at the same time.
At the beginning of my senior year of high school, my future plans came together all at once. Baylor University, which I had previously overlooked because of its location in what seemed at the time to be middle-of-nowhere Texas, suddenly appeared to me in a completely different light. After looking into it more, I realized it had everything I wanted in a school and more. I applied early but was extremely worried I wouldn’t get in because of my junior year grades. However, I was accepted in November and with it came extreme amounts of gratefulness to God as well as excitement for the future … which was something I hadn’t felt in a long time.
In between my acceptance to Baylor and the beginning of my freshman year there, I was diagnosed with anxiety and OCD. The second semester of my senior year was an extremely difficult time for me as I underwent treatment and finding the right medication for both of these conditions. Just like during my junior year, I felt like I was in a pit again … except this time it was a pit of anxiety. Anxiety is something I soon figured out I had struggled with for my entire life but it all came to the surface at once during my senior year. Once again, I had to go through counseling and medication to get on top of my anxiety. And, once again, it was ultimately my reliance on Christ as my strength that eventually helped me get complete control over my anxiety.
Yes, I still have panic attacks. Yes, I still feel anxious and obsessive sometimes. But every time I have these feelings, I lay them down to Christ and surrender myself to Him. Whenever I do this, I find peace.
Back to Baylor … God truly provided when he led me to Baylor. It has been the best and healthiest place for me. I have made friendships here that I know will last me a lifetime and my faith has grown since being here more than I ever though possible. During my time at Baylor, I have come so far and I completely dedicate my progress to Christ. The environment He has put me in has not only helped me to stop making toxic choices, but has also helped me become the best version of myself and fully realize that my worth comes from Christ and not fleeting things of this world.
I have also found an amazing church community here in Waco that has furthered my understanding both of God’s love and of Scripture. The community I have been blessed to be a part of during my three years and counting in Waco has been a direct reflection of my constant prayers of surrender to God. When you surrender to Him, He will do more for you than you could ever imagine. And when you surrender to Him, He will shine through you and help you become the best version of yourself.
So how did this journey with Christ lead me to commit to The World Race?
First of all, I have always had a passion for exploring the world and experiencing other cultures and people. Ever since I was a little girl, I have had a curiosity and hunger in me to travel. My family has been traveling since I was pretty young, and I have had the opportunity to see some incredible places and have some incredible experiences.
This past semester, I studied abroad in Maastricht, the Netherlands for three months and travelled to eleven additional European countries while I was there. I learned so much about myself during those three months. I learned that I am exceptionally good at adapting to other cultures and don’t really get homesick. I learned that I am able to be independent and out of my comfort zone and not get too overwhelmed. I also realized that God has given me SO much strength in overcoming my anxiety. A few years ago, the thought of traveling Europe on my own dime and without any supervision would have terrified me. However, I did it and experienced zero anxiety the entire time.
This may sound cheesy, but my semester in Europe really helped me to know myself better. I know my strengths and weaknesses and I know my passions now more than ever. I want to use my passion for God’s world, people, and creation to spread HIS LOVE and HIS KINGDOM.
I knew I wanted to do a gap year for awhile after graduation, but I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to do for it until I came across The World Race this past July. I actually saw an ad for it on Instagram and it sparked immediate interest. Once I looked into it more, I knew it was a perfect opportunity for me that I had to take. The funny thing is, once people knew I was thinking about doing it, so many reached out and told me they had friends who had previously done it and how awesome the experiences that came from it were. Everything, from people’s reactions to the calling that God had placed on my heart, was leading me to jump on this opportunity.
Next August, I will be leaving the United States for eleven months to immerse myself in eleven different cultures and spread the love of Jesus. I am excited and terrified all at once. I have no idea what this next year will bring, all I know is that it is the calling the Lord has placed on my heart and I am going to follow my gut and completely surrender myself to this once in a lifetime experience. In order, I will be spending a month each in South Africa, Zimbabwe, Zambia, Malawi, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Thailand, Peru, Bolivia, and Argentina. I will be immersing myself in these cultures and ministering to people from all different backgrounds. I cannot WAIT to meet incredible people from all over the world and share the love of Christ with them.
The type of ministering I will be doing will differ depending on what country I am in, what area of that country I am in, and what the specific needs are at that particular time. I will not know exactly what kind of service work I will be doing in each place until I am there, and that’s what this blog is for! I will be posting weekly once I am on the field next August to keep everyone who has helped me spiritually and financially and anyone who is interested in my journey up to date on what the Lord is doing around the world.
To sum it all up, I know God has put me through the struggles I went through for a reason and I know he has given me my passions for a reason. I know I can use my struggles and how Christ helped me through them to help other people through similar struggles. I also know that my gift of being an extrovert and easily being able to adapt to being out of my comfort zone will be huge assets in this process. My biggest hope is that Jesus will shine through me throughout my time abroad, and that I will be able to share His love and light with the world.
I cannot wait for this incredible journey to begin!
God Bless
