I think there is a moment in every believers life where we hit rock bottom. Where there is literally nothing left in you and you have nothing that you could possibly give. Not just an “okay God I give you this person or situation, do with it what you wish.” Type of moment but, I think there is a time in every believers life where they have to say, “God I give you everything, and honestly there isn’t much to give cause I’m so empty.”
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I hit that spot.
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A month ago, the Lord told me something that you don’t really want to hear ever to be honest. He said,
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“I’m bringing you to the valley. These next two months are going to be the hardest two months you’ve ever been in. Are you ready?”
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Very comforting statement yeah? That statement is probably up there on the like top 10 worst statements to hear the Lord say. Cause He’s not messing around. When He says it’s going to be hard, He’s not kidding. I began to ask what He meant about it being a valley. How hard are we talking? “I mean I’m more than willing to go through it” I said, “but like how bad is it going to be?” I told my team leader, Jacob, what the Lord had told me, and He said the Lord told him something very similar on His race. He said it was one of the hardest months of his life.
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That’s comforting.
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We get to month two and we’re staying in a village called Stonesti. It was nice and to be honest I was starting to think ya know maybe this whole valley thing isn’t that bad. I felt unsettled and a little distant from the Lord, but I thought maybe I could just fight out of that rut and get close to the Lord. Then Dragonesti hit.
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I was staying at our host Raúl’s house and every morning living in community was hard. I felt unseen and unknown. I just didn’t feel loved if I’m honest. Then I got sick. Real Sick. One day I got up once the whole day and if I turned over on my other side my whole body hurt. I had a fever and headache. You name it, I had it. I took me three days to recover and I was starting to think “ya know, maybe when we move next door, life will get better. I mean I still have a bit of fight left in me and If I want out of this rut then I just need to wage war against my own emotions.” I didn’t even sound like myself.
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Once we got into the new house I figured “I’m better, lets go. Let’s end this month so well no one will know what to think.” Then one day at ministry I break out in hives. I’ve never been allergic to anything. What is this. I take medicine and it only gets worse. I end up spending the night of Halloween in the hospital. They thought it was food, so they put me on a diet of bread and water for two days. My energy and will to keep doing this whole race thing plummets. I just want to go home. I’m hungry and dropping weight like crazy. I miss my family and seeing the Holiday’s coming up life’s only getting harder. I’m still breaking out in hives and now I’m wheezing while my eyes are also starting to swell up. This is my lowest.
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Remember at the beginning of my blog when I said that there is a time where you hit your rock bottom. I hit it. Nov. 3rd I’m sleeping at a missionary’s house nearby and I think I finally hit rock bottom. Here’s a bit of my journal:
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“I’m empty. I pray this is my lowest. I don’t have anything to give. I’m done. I put it all on the table, which ain’t much at this point. God do whatever you want. I’m far too tired to carry anything anymore. I’m just gonna move out of the way and if you want me to continue to run this race then you are going to have to be my sustainer. I will no longer run on my own energy, It’s all on you now. Do as you wish.”
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The next morning, I woke up with the most energy I had had in two weeks. I woke up to Him. He began to sustain me, after I went to my lowest.
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In this season I was reminded of Isaiah 61. The Lord says that He will give us beauty for our ashes. I think sometimes that we get so excited about the beauty and forget the ashes part. I mean, ashes come after something is completely destroyed by a fire. It is the aftermath of destruction. I think the father brought me to this place just so He could make something beautiful. He needed my ashes in order to craft a beautiful story. He desired my tears that were cried in the hard places. There’s no tears in heaven, so it’s the highest form of worship.
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On the page where I wrote my honest thoughts to God and hit my lowest there are tear stains. That night they fell on the page and smudged the ink. I remember being so upset and then the next day I looked, and they turned from smudges of ink to beautiful colors.
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If you’re going through something hard, I think it’s so important to remember that He might be turning your desires and life really to ash so that He can create something beautiful. Understand, He’s always kind. He’s always good. So, trust Him and let Him tear you apart so that you can see true beauty.
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We ended up figuring out it was mold that was making me react so poorly. I have had previous mold experience and when that happens, you’re much more sensitive to mold. So, I’m fine now, all the wheezing has stopped and I’m sleeping at a different place so we’re good. If you get anything out of this blog I want to leave you with this:
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He’s still worth it.
