Forgiveness is one of those Christian ideas that has always seemed a bit hazy to me. I think it’s hard to grasp partly because we’re constantly told to forgive those who wrong us but we’re rarely told what that actually looks like or how it may affect our lives. I’ve always reasoned that if I simply tell someone that I forgive them then the deed is done, conflict resolved, relationship redeemed. The uncertainty only arises much later, when feelings of bitterness and resentment resurface, and my heart still feels heavy.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been more attuned to how my past has affected the person I am today. A particular memory or scene will play out in my mind and it will nearly stop me dead in my tracks. Events that occurred in my childhood will come flooding back and I’ll be overwhelmed with the weight of emotions that the images bring. A naturally reflective person, I do my best to understand how each event has shaped me, trying to dispel any lies or harmful ways of thinking that may have developed. But what this self-reflection has helped me to understand the most is that forgiveness is very rarely about restoring a relationship. We are not commanded to forgive so that we can go back to weekly shopping trips with our “ex-best friend” or to continue receiving Christmas cards from estranged family members. Rather, I believe we are commanded to forgive our enemies so that our hearts are restored to God. He wants us to be in tune with Him, with who He is. And we can’t do that while holding a grudge.
God has been showing me this truth, little by little, as I’ve dealt with my own desire to come to terms with an event from my past. I’ve found that, though I declared a person to be “forgiven,” there was no magic feeling of peace, no warm butterflies. I know now that I was expecting too much; I believed that all the pain and confusion would go away simply by uttering a few words. I’ve found that the pursuit to “forgive and forget” is often very narrow-minded and self-serving. I wanted others to acknowledge that I’d been hurt. I wanted to have deep, heart-wrenching discussions until everything was out on the table. I believed that only then would I be able to move on. I now know that such events would have only led to more pain, this time spreading to people I love and care about. My selfish quest to fulfill some image in my mind of what forgiveness looks like could have easily led to further pain and more broken relationships.
Over the past few years, God has been showing me that the only healing I need comes from Him alone. There are certainly human relationships that He wants us to be intentional about, seeking to restore and build them. He calls us to love selflessly, to seek peace first, and to try our best to mend the hurts and breaks that inevitably come. But I believe forgiveness is about allowing God into the situation. It’s about letting Him take the pain and fill us with His comfort and strength. It’s about putting our human emotions aside, acknowledging the pain of others, and wanting to rid ourselves of the prison of bitterness and anger. It’s never easy, and sometimes relationships just can’t be mended. But I’ve found that when my main concern is pleasing my Father, He’ll show His concern for me in ways that I could’ve never imagined.
