I used to be what you would call an emotional wreck. My emotions were all over the place. Sometimes I could control them, other times, I could not. When stress took it’s toll, it seemed that I had two choices, be angry or cry a whole lot! From the time when I was younger to preWorld Race, I would just cry until I couldn’t cry any more. In these times, it never failed that someone would comment negatively about my crying. I’ve been laughed at; I’ve been told to “suck it up;” I’ve been told that when I cry, it reminds people of drowning puppies… messed up, huh? I don’t know why it’s so negative for people to show weakness in our culture… Tears are an incredible gift from God. They are perfect for releasing built up tension and pain. I wish I had never listened to those people in that moment, because instead of realizing the importance of tears—I hardened my heart. When I was a kid, I hid my tears by sneezing on command or yawning and making the excuse that my eyes were watering. As an adult, pent up frustrations turned into anger and times when I wanted to cry, I yelled instead. Other more rare times, laughter and humor would take the place of tears. I was determined not to cry, not to show weakness. I got really good at hiding my emotions, or so I thought.
Fast forward, I’m a World Racer, taking on a new dream, a new mission…but something is missing. I don’t feel fully who I’m supposed to be. Who am I? Why am I worthy? I want to cry… but is it ok? I want to feel something… See, for so long, I had pushed back my tears, and ignored the emotions I felt on the inside. Around month 2 (in Nepal), I noticed that there was something missing inside me. God was saying, “I see you,” but I was embarrassed to be seen. Month 3, God had me share my testimony at an orphanage in Thailand—He nudged me to tell them about emotions. This is important, because since I have been on the race, I have been praying for tears. Tears? yep, I’m realizing that I need them. I need tears to be healthy and whole again. Let me tell you, it is not easy for me to cry. It is especially difficult to cry in front of people. Even today, in month 10 (China), I still hate crying in front of people. Back to my testimony in Thailand, I shared that it’s better to show your emotions than to hold them inside. Because whether you mess up or break down and cry, God will still love you and he will strengthen you in your times of need. At that moment in my testimony, I started crying. There was no hiding it, after all, I was telling them that it was okay to cry… funny God, ok I’ll practice what I preach. As I stand there, embarrassed, crying, and sharing, I started to feel a little lighter, like something within me was starting to heal.
Why am I sharing this now? The significance of that one small prayer in Nepal has brought upon tears throughout the race. It has been a healing process. In Laos, God softened my heart for a girl that was silently struggling in a room of worship—He had me pray over her and even cry along side her. In Cambodia, I loved hard, so hard that when we had to leave, I cried the hardest I’ve cried in a long time. I love those kids, teens, and college aged kids to death! I still think about them often. In Vietnam, I cried when praying blessings over a safe house for women. Malaysia was a rough month, probably the hardest on the race. Philippines was a healing month, there were bucket loads of tears that month. I cried so much in both Puerto Galera & Manila!
God has been teaching me that it’s okay to cry. Sometimes, He even uses my tears to intercede for and connect with others. He has strengthened me and has blessed others through my tears… who would have thought? The very thing I used to run away from has brought more healing to me personally than any other thing.
