I’m being brought back to month 2 in Swaziland worshipping on the rock overlooking the river. It was one of the first clear nights we had up on the mountain and I said to God, “I really want to see a shooting star.” One girl stood up and said that God wants to tell us that he is going to romance us over these next months on the race. I asked God, “Why me? Why the World Race?” He said, “If I asked you to come back to one of these 11 countries would you come?” I didn’t answer. About 5 minutes passed by and God said to me, “You didn’t answer my question. If I were to ask you to come back to one of these 11 countries would you come?” I said, “Yes.” And right after I said yes I saw a shooting star. He has not called me back to any one specific country yet, but by me saying I will shows that I am committed to Him and I have to sayobeying God has never felt so good.
Swaziland was where I felt least connected to Him in the moment, but looking back He was all over me and I was blind to it. He was chasing me, but not the way I wanted Him to and I missed out on so much with Him. I started reading the book “Your Scars are Beautiful to God” and things from my past kept coming up that I wasn’t ready to confront yet. At our last team time of the month our squad leader Alys gave all of us a challenge in the form of a question. My question from her was, “What is your greatest fear?” It immediately came to my mind, but I shut it down and pretended like I didn’t hear it. My teammates would talk about how their questions were being answered, but I kept ignoring mine and would say I didn’t know yet. God was trying to pursue me hardcore month 3 in India, but I kept arguing with him. I allowed him to use me with my struggle of pornography, but I knew there was more. The last day of India we were on the bus leaving Ongole to meet up with the squad in Hyderabad and before I fell asleep God said, “Your greatest fear is judgment of your past.”
The next month in Nepal He was still trying to pursue me, but I was still being stubborn and not allowing Him in. He was wanting me to be vulnerable my team and I didn’t want to. I was trying to negotiate with him and I said, “If you want me to tell them then you have to give Shelby a word or come to me with something so I know this is you talking and not Satan.” Needless to say Shelby never came to me with a word so I said ok then that means I don’t have to talk. There wasn’t much from God about it month 5 in Burma/Thailand. I believe it was because I was dealing with being on a guys team, insecurities, and trusting men so he was giving me a break. At least if like to think so. I will say that in Thailand was where I actually thought I had a chance to pursue my big dream of having a coffee shop to give jobs to those coming out of the sex industry. I started to pray about it and my past started to come up again…annnndddd I shut it down.
Month 6 in Cambodia hit hard. God really lit the flame in my heart about having a coffee shop and I already knew what had to be done before I could actually grasp it with my hand. I was scared to pray about it so I avoided the coffee shop altogether. I wasn’t myself and I was trying to close myself off from those who knew me best because it was easier that way. I enjoyed getting close to those who didn’t know me that well because I could hide; so I thought. Being distant seemed easy at the time.
I finally decided to pray about having a coffee shop after talking to a few people and I said to the Lord that He was going to have to give it to me step by step. He started speaking, but I wasn’t ready. I lasted about 2 weeks before I broke down because I knew I had to talk about my past.
One Saturday morning half the team was gone and the others were sleeping or doing their own thing so I went down to the dining room to be alone and just talk to God. I was trying to journal and I immediately started to cry. I was questioning Him, I was questioning why me, I was questioning being worthy, I questioned everything that ever happened to me, and everything I had ever done. He took over my pen and started writing in my journal, “There is freedom in telling someone. Your past is covered by my blood and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks.” The next thing he said pierced hard in a good way, he said, “This is the last thing Satan has a hold of, before I give you what I have for you.” I sat in that room for 2 hours crying, praying, arguing, and worshipping God. Then Kim, LeAnna, and Colleen walk in the room and are asking what was wrong. I could no longer hide it. It was time…
