My life revolved around finding comfort and acceptance in things, like friends, studies, sports, etc. If I was accepted then I was content. I would always push myself to learn something, so I would be accepted. An example would be watching a T.V. show so I could be involved in conversation or have something in common with someone else. I would study extra hard to make the grades. I would push myself to practice a sport every day, sometimes even go to the extent of doing two-a-days so I could be the best or at least good enough for people to recognize me and my worth.
I have grown up in a Christian home. I went to church every Sunday morning, evening and Wednesday night. The church that I went to was one of those generational churches, where everyone’s grandparent, aunt, uncle and parents went. My parents were in charge of the nursery. My grandparents were my Sunday school teachers and would have us practice our memory verses with them every morning before school. My parents enrolled us in everything with the church: vacation bible school, soccer plus, AWANA, cubbies, etc. I had accepted Christ at VBS around the age of 6-7.
I was in public school until sophomore year in high school. We moved cities and I figured starting over at a Christian school may be easier than starting over in another public school. Going to a private school everyone was friendly, but I had always felt that I didn’t belong. I thought that having a relationship with Christ would bring us all together, but there were times where I felt it drove me away. I have nothing against private school; personally the transition for me was hard. Everyone had known each other since they were like in diapers and it was hard to be the new person. Again, I understand that a lot of my peers there were probably coming from similar backgrounds like me, where Christianity had been more of a tradition than an identity to them. After high school, I decided to go to Kent State. I’ll admit I was always the one to always be called a “prude” “cute” “naive”. I was getting tired of it. No one would want to be friends with a girl like that. I felt that in order for anyone to talk to me, I had to have my own stories to contribute in conversation. It was stupid and silly. Freshman and sophomore year I did what everyone else did. I did the party scene and would drink.
The summer between my sophomore and junior year is when things got real. This was the first summer I had felt truly alone. All of my friends had either gone away for a job or were too busy working to hang out. I, myself was working a ton too. In addition to feeling socially alienated, a close friend of mine had hurt me. It was the worst kind of hurt that I had ever felt. I was lost, hurt, angry, and alone. At that moment I felt like things changed.
Things were coming into perspective for me. My junior year I would say is when I finally decided to take hold of the title “Christian” and claim it myself. Yes, I had accepted Christ at a young age, but I never went any further in understanding and delving into a deeper relationship. I was tired of the feelings I had; the constant strive for acceptance and comfort, the betrayal and wavering friendships. I wanted someone who was constant, where I would feel chosen, comforted and loved for being me. Christ saved us from death. He accepted us while were still sinners, while we were enemies. We are not of this world, so trying to fit in is never going to be true.
This year has been a year of radical growth and understanding for me. I had friends involved in campus ministry, so the first week back to school, I tried them all. I found a home in CRU. I got involved in a community group, went to fall retreat and INDYCC. This year, I would say I have never been happier. God has blessed me. My motivation to go to church, to be involved in CRU and to read my bible, is because I feel that I have chosen to be a Christian. I am no longer saying I am a Christian because of tradition or afraid of being wrong. I am a Christian because I have found comfort and acceptance in the love of Christ and it is not because of tradition or what is considered cool by society’s standards.
