This was a hard one. I hope you understand.
I think most of the time I put you guys above God. I want you to be comfortable around me. I want you to accept me. I want you to feel accepted and loved by me.
To be honest, as much as I wish some things could go back to normal, I never want life to go back to how it was before I chose to live for the Lord. I was so sad. I did anything that I could to please anyone. I would change everything about my personality to bond with you and connect. Then, I would get black out drunk to forget what I was hiding. You never asked any of this from me, but I didn’t know who I was. I was putting my worth in whoever would accept me. I was doing whatever I could to fit in and look like everyone else. I chose myself over God. I chose my relationships with everyone else over my relationship with Holy Spirit.
Jesus has shown me what my value and worth is in Him. He carried all the weight of this sadness and this heartache with Him when He died on the cross. I no longer have to carry anxiety and depression. I don’t have to accept those lies anymore that no one would accept me or that no one loved me. I no longer have to accept all the lies spoken to me about my identity. I no longer have to worry about my worth. All of these things are dead. They died with Jesus on the cross. Just as Jesus was resurrected, I get to be resurrected with Him. I now get to live with Holy Spirit. I now get to carry the TRUTH that I am loved so deeply that I will never be able to understand it. I now get to have everlasting joy. I now know that I am adopted into royalty. I am a daughter of THE King. Jesus knew me before I was even born and said, “You’re wonderful. You’re beautiful. You’re more valuable than jewels. You’re worth dying for. You’re pure. You’re my child. I love you because I love you. Forever.” The best part is that I don’t have to do anything to earn these things. I CAN’T do anything to earn these things. I was just created for it.
But…I think that sometimes I do want my old life back. I’ve realized that with this new life, a lot of things have changed. Realizing this is painful. So, sometimes it’s easier to accept the lies. Sometimes I choose to put you guys before the Lord. Sometimes I choose to put myself before the Lord. Sometimes I let the lie come in that I’m not accepted by you anymore. Sometimes I still let you hold my value. Sometimes I want to be connected with you more than I want to be connected with Jesus. Please understand this isn’t caused by anything you have done to me. These are lies that the enemy gives me. This causes me to walk away from Jesus. The only thing that can come out of that is everything opposite of love. This whole summer I was home; I was so afraid to leave the house because I was afraid of failure. I wasn’t choosing to believe who Jesus says I am.
Though I have been born again, and I do know the foundation of my identity is Christ’s love for me, I am still discovering this new identity. I am taking baby steps to learning who I am in Christ. I am being transformed from the inside. So lately I’ve come to realize that when I choose to accept these lies and when I choose to put others before Jesus, what I’m really doing is saying that His death for me wasn’t worth anything. What I’m really doing is showing Him that I care more about my title and my relationship with others than my relationship with Him. When I choose to accept these lies, I’m choosing to live my old life. I’m choosing to throw away the free gift of unconditional love. I’m choosing sadness, anxiety, and depression. Choosing to live my old life means looking God in the face and saying, “you’re not worth it.” When I choose to accept these lies, I am choosing myself before God. I am choosing myself over you. I’m choosing to live in the safety of my own world over showing you who God is and how He has radically transformed my heart.
I’ve been trying to keep pieces of my old self with me. Change is painful. But one of you told me that pain isn’t always harm. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that though this is painful, and my life is forever changed, there is the truth that will never change. So I want you all to know,
You’re so wonderful. Seriously, you’re all unique in so many ways. You have incredible talents and EVERY one of you has a HUGE heart.
You’re all so beautiful. Gosh. Look at ya. So purty.
You’re more valuable than jewels. I wouldn’t trade any of you for the world.
You’re worth dying for. I never want to put myself before you ever again. I want to choose to die to myself so you that you know how much you’re loved. Not by me but how much you’re loved by Jesus.
You’re pure. It’s more true than you know.
You’re my sister, my brother. You’re my blood. You’re my squad. You’re my fab5. You’re my tribe.
I love you because I love you.
Forever.
