How would you feel if you know for sure that you are going to die today? What does it feel like? Are you prepared? What does being prepared look like or feel like?
These aren’t rhetorical questions because I face these questions everyday. Graham Cook visited Newsong a couple of weeks ago and left the message of dying to self and living a new life that God is working on. I’ve heard the phrases, “die to thyself,” or “new wine skin and no more old,” stuff like these and never understood what it means exactly. When he pointed out that “God only deals with the new man because our old man is dead,” it hit me that the reality is that I have already been made new, and there is no turning back. God cannot and probably will not raise a zombie and work on his life, instead, He makes a new person out of dust and molds and shapes him for His glory.
“By no means! How can we who died to sin still live in it? Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.”
Romans 6:2-4
Every morning, I’d tell myself, “you have already been made new, so now act like you are.” But the truth is, I don’t think I truly believe it. Why? I know that God loves me but I feel so unworthy of His love that I shun from it. I know how sinful I am, how insecure I am, and how undeserving I am. Yet at the same time I do seek Him, I do want to please God. It’s just hard for me to grasp that I can do nothing and He will still love me as much as when I do something. I don’t know. I’m still in the process of wholeheartedly allowing God to love me just as I am; that performance does not account for how much He loves me.
I’m learning to die to self. It’s weird, because in this current season of Lent/giving up something, I’m also learning to let go of my past. While I’m learning to give up desires of the flesh and go through mental cleansing, I’ve also came to giving up some of the emotional ties with my past. Lately it’s been difficult for me to remember visually (as in the visions I have of my childhood have been fading away), especially those I used to pride myself in because they occurred as early as when I was one and a half years old or so. And this occurrence made me realize that I have been identifying myself with my childhood, which hinders me from moving on and maturing as a human being. Because I have finally realized this issue, God came in and did something. He is taking out the pictures and footages of my childhood and storing them into the file cabinet in my Heavenly home. If this makes sense. That’s why even if I try really hard, some specific memories that I used to be able to see vividly have become blurred; what’s left with me are the feelings I had in those moments, no more pictures. It’s sad.
This is God disciplining, this is God at work. He’s taking out the unhealthy sources in my life and filling the void with His presence. Every morning, as I ask for Him to fill me, He does so throughout the day so that there really isn’t a moment when I’m not thinking about Him, singing about Him, or feeling His presence. God is good and He is faithful. As sad as I am about losing the visual memories, I am hopeful that what’s to come is going to be so much better than what I’ve been holding on to.
By the way, I apologize for the disorganized post. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what to say and these are the things that came to mind. I wish/I am trying to learn how I can write better blogs so bear with me! ><
UPDATES & ANNOUNCEMENTS:
- Because of YOUR generosity, I am only $419 shy off my first deadline, $3,500! I’m incredibly thankful and humbled by all of you who have invested financially into this journey and the work of the Kingdom! God is so good, and really, all I have to do is to be obedient and diligent (which is something I’m still working on) in my work and He will definitely provide!
- I am no longer going to Burma/Myanmar
I’m not sure of the reason, it could be safety or something to do with local contacts. Regardless, God has a better plan. With that said, HELLO PHILIPPINES! 
- IT IS NOT TOO LATE TO ASK ME FOR A SUPPORT LETTER! I feel like I’ve told a lot of you about the Race, but the letter has a bit more details about what the World Race is! Please, please, please, message me if you would like to receive a support letter in your mailbox or in person!
- Last but not least, in the midst of my fundraising journey for the World Race, I would also like to bring your attention to BWAM, or Break With A Mission. This is a mission trip to Mexico City that my college fellowship is doing this spring break. Click here to support my close friends who will be ministering to formerly trafficked girls in Mexico City. And here to check out the organization, El Pozo, that the team will be working with!
