“I could just go home and no one would even notice; no one would care.”
“They don’t really want to hang out with me; they just tolerate me because they got put on the team with me.”
“I don’t have any real friends here; they will forget my name as soon as this trip ends.”
“They don’t care that it is my birthday; no one is going to do anything for me.”
“No one even knows anything about me; there is no one here that truly knows me.”
“The people I thought were my friends have already gotten tired of me; my old team has moved on and made friends on their new teams.”
“I don’t have any role to play here. My time in leadership is over so now I have no place on this team.”
These are the lies that flowed through my head as the new month last month began on a brand new team of racers. I had fought this battle earlier on in the race, but after our first team change came in Malaysia and I got placed with my closest friends on the squad, this war got postponed. Deep down I knew I still had insecurities to deal with but it was all put on hold in the comfort I had on my old team. But the enemy knew just when to strike and as soon as the new teams were announced fear gripped my heart and the battle waged on from that point.
When I was growing up, I got bullied a bit in elementary school. While I had my friends, there was one boy who relentlessly teased me. “Rat-face” was the nickname he gave me, and to this day I am still self-conscious of my nose and ears. As I went on into high school I faced even more teasing though it was to a lesser degree. I was never one of the popular kids and I never won any superlatives and no I never appeared on the homecoming court. When I became an adult and was able to choose my own social circles and activities I never had to deal with these issues anymore, and I didn’t realize what a root that low self-esteem and a fear of rejection had inside of me. Then I started the World Race and my community that I would live with 24/7 was assigned for me and the devil has had a field day stirring up these hurts of my past.
But the Lord is faithful and He has been revealing to me more and more my value and worth to Him and through Him. He has been showing me that I have authority and I am capable of doing great things and leading the way. God has taught me that I am His daughter and He wants to spend time with me. And the Lord has graciously placed me with believers who have loved me and spoken truth into me and prayed with me against these fears. God has pushed me to persevere through these feelings and continue to engage in situations that intimidate me and pursue all those He has placed around me. The more I push through, the less room the enemy has to work with and the less the thoughts plague my mind. The Lord is good, and with Him I am finally finding freedom.
If you have hurts in your past or fears regarding your own worth, pray and ask God to reveal to you how much He dearly loves you and treasures you. “For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalm 139:13-14
