I came home from the World Race eager to continue living my life on a mission the way I began to 11 months prior. Now that I’ve settled into life back home, I want to tell you about how I continued that lifestyle without missing a beat. I want to tell you that I’ve implemented the practice of giving and receiving personal feedback within my family and it’s going swell, and that people are even falling on their faces in awe and turning to declare Christ as Lord because I’ve been fearlessly telling anyone I encounter about the incredible things God said or did throughout my journey. But more than anything, I want to tell you the truth, and that’s just not it.
The truth is that one month after I came home, I sat down with an old friend who asked me this question: “So, why are you a Christian?” This was the start of one of greatest seasons of doubt in my life, as he then provided a plethora of reasons he believes all people should abandon their belief in God. I walked away from our meeting feeling dejected, attacked, and small; however, the one thing I couldn’t stop thinking no matter how much I tried was that his arguments did not sound foolish or emotionally driven. Instead, they sounded so incredibly… logical.
My mind was reeling with questions for weeks after that – questions to which I was afraid to seek answers. I felt lost and paralyzed. What if I pursued greater understanding and it led me away from the Lord? What if I travelled the world for 11 months sharing the gospel only to come home and abandon my belief in the God to whom I had professed such loyalty? What if I became—dare I say it—an atheist?
I even wondered if I could be a closet atheist. What if I turned from God and then I just didn’t tell anyone about it? I sat and thought about what life would look like if I chose to walk away.
Finally, rather than attempting to smother my doubt, I chose to listen to it. So I started asking questions—big questions. I sought answers from Christian apologists and philosophers such as Ravi Zacharias and William Lane Craig. I also listened to voices from philosophers and scientists who are atheists, such as Sam Harris and Richard Dawkins. I even watched debates to hear how they responded directly to one another. Maybe part of me even wanted to discover with certainty that God does not exist so I could never again be subject to doubting what I believe. But that never happened.
Through this journey I learned what I guess I’ve known all along: I can’t wrap my mind around God, still I can’t deny that I know him. I have doubted the existence of God immensely, yet I’ve experienced his heart and character in ways I can’t explain. I know him intimately, and no matter how much I listen, read, and search, or from whom I learn, I cannot escape the conclusion that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life, just like he said. A few weeks ago I wrote this in my journal: “If God is not real, and Christianity is a mere fabrication of our need for comfort coupled with ignorance and arrogance, then why can I not conceive of how life makes sense without Christ as Lord?” I can’t escape that either.
If we choose to believe in God only insofar as he is a God that we can explain and understand, we would not truly believe in a God at all, let alone a God worthy of eternal submission and worship.
Don’t think you’re approaching the moment I attempt to prove the existence of God, for I can assure you that moment will not come. I am neither articulate nor intelligent enough to deliver such an argument appropriately. My objective is merely to be honest with those who know me or who have found themselves asking the same questions in secret. One of the first life-changing things I learned on the Race was the power of vulnerability to release us and others from fear and shame (both of which I wrestled with on top of all of this confusion). Seeking truth should not be something we do in fear or isolation.
Now this is where it all comes full circle. In my very first blog I said, “I’m going on the World Race because I want the unreached to know the risen Lord, and I want to know him more.” My desire for more of God was fulfilled even more than I had hoped. Then I came home and began doubting the Lord, and surprisingly, my knowledge, trust, and intimacy with him has reached even greater depths as a result. I don’t want to be afraid to ask questions – especially if seeking answers could lead me into new realms of faith.
That’s what being home has looked like for me, and though my return hasn’t been what I had envisioned, the asking and searching I’ve done over the last 3 months are practices I’m truly grateful I started—habits I don’t plan to stop any time soon.
“No pen or quill, no scribe in perfect skill with flawless words could capture all you are. No lofty thought, no scholar of this world could grasp an inch of such infinity. Though we cannot comprehend such a mystery, just a glimpse of you revealed is compelling us to sing: ‘Holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty. Worthy, worthy is your name.’ “
