Readers.
I want to start with an apology. Blogging has not been a priority in my life and I have given in to laziness time and time again, excusing my poor stewardship with very kingdom-sounding things. I have left you, and the entire body of Christ, out of a chance to taste and see the face and hands of God as he works in me and through me. For that, I’m really sorry. Being left out is one of the worst feelings in the world, and I do not want to be a man who does that to other people. I would love your grace as I learn and practice what it means to love others in deed and truth, not simply word or talk.
So, if you would forgive me, it would be my honor to invite you into a piece of my heart. I would love to share with you what the Lord has been doing within me because in my opinion, it is quite extraordinary.
First, I think your understanding and ability to fully enjoy this invitation begins with some explanation as to how I arrived here.
*kshhhhht*
(In a muffled voice over a speaker) Ladies and gentlemen, if you would buckle your seatbelts, let us begin.
*kshhhhhht*
I have always been a hopeless romantic.
It all started with a YoungLife staffer who I, at the age of 5 years old and the weight of probably 50 pounds, had quite the crush on. It really did break my heart when she told me I was too young for her.
Fast-forwarding to age 8, I found myself in quite another hopeless situation. For one month every summer, I would see the love of my life walking around Lake Champion, yet I never had the strength to carry out my affection. Like Kylo Ren, I knew what I needed to do, but didn’t know if I had the strength to do it. So in my lack of courage, I would spend my time trying to drown her at the pool, pushing her off the tubes, or demolishing her in foosball. Though eventually, my affection faded, as her family moved to another place, and were no longer on assignment. This time, my heart was broken slow.
Even further, we find young Elijah at age 14. It is my 8th-grade year, and my forbidden girlfriend is two grades above me (This really is no joke – I was in no place to have a girlfriend and had no idea how to steward another woman’s, let alone another human being’s, heart with honor or love. My parents recognized this, and created boundaries for me where I was unwilling to create them for myself – in the deep grasp of shame and pride, I continually took my parent’s discipline as my incapability and inadequacy, refusing to submit. I had no idea how much they were trying to help me, and looking back, am so thankful to see their effort to care for my good-intentioned heart). Yet, despite the disapproval of my parents, I pursued her in deceit and dug myself into quite a deep hole. Yet again, my heart was broken. This time, I broke some other hearts and a lot of trust in the process.
For the next 4 years of my life, I was navigating the rebuilding of all the relationships I had broken with absolutely no idea as to what I was doing. I mean, how can a broken kid bring reconciliation and redemption when his idea of fixed… isn’t?
We then find Elijah at age 19, on his second month of the World Race, sitting before his brothers in a team time confessing, and I remember it quite vividly,
“Yo. I want to be really honest with you guys.”
I paused for a second, took a deep breath, and I said,
“I’m not totally sure I love any of you. I am not totally sure I even can.”
This true confession came from an encounter I had with God through a man named Matt Blair. It was pretty early in the evening, and he pulled me aside for a one-on-one. After some rambling about how I was doing and the exchange of courtesy, he faced me squarely, asking me straight to my face,
“Hey man, do you love God?”
I looked at him with the blankest stare I think I have ever given anyone in my life and responded to him in a bit of frustration,
“What on earth do you mean?? Of course, I love God.”
Then he looked me in the eyes and asked the question again. And y’all, I have no idea what changed in my heart the second time he asked, but I’m sure the Holy Spirit snapped a mighty thing in me at that moment. My answer went something like this,
“Dude? I honestly don’t even know. I don’t know if I feel anything at all, actually.”
And by month 2 of my race, I was forced to look my darkness in the face with both my eyes and all of my attention. I was looking directly at the condition of my heart with everything I had, and I found nothing but deception and numbness. I had no idea who I was. I knew that there was no substance in the image of the man I presented in the slightest. Under a facade of romance, eloquence, and beauty, I was actually disguising a much deeper lack. I had no heart – only a mind.
This hopeless romantic somehow found himself quite incapable of loving anyone at all.
My testimony is one of redeemed intimacy, and a deep awakening of my heart and soul that is only possible through the gentle and mighty hand of the Holy Spirit, my great Counselor. Today, I find myself facing grief and pain with much bravery. I’m not even trying to drown myself in a pool!
So, now that you know some of my story, I want to invite you into this journey of reconnecting my heart to my mind, and these two things to my soul as the Holy Spirit leads me into a more abundant life. I want to invite you into my crushing; my redeeming. For it has begun.
Ever since month two, piece upon piece of my heart is being brought into the holy light that is in Christ Jesus. I have been co-laboring with him, counting every step and calculating every move. He has proven to be true and trustworthy, and in his integrity, he is opening up my heart to trust. He is opening my heart to love and hurt and joy and pain. The Lord has been bringing me closer and closer to his heart; though, it is no easy thing to be brought near to. It requires my death and his life; I must become less, so he may become more.
Death hurts. My flesh is dying. A part of me that I lived in for so long – all I have known up until this point – is literally being ripped from me and crucified on the cross with Jesus. As he reveals and exposes, I surrender. As I surrender, he removes. In his loving kindness, he is purifying me so I may take hold of the Eternal Life that is the knowing my Father.
Also, this will not be the last time I write about this. I mean, it’s a journey. This does not mean that the Lord has not already saved me, and it sure as heck does not mean the work he has already done is invalid. The old Elijah is dead. The boy who walked in deceit, shame, and weakness no longer alive, for Christ, who walks in truth, confidence, and authority, lives in me.
I sit here with my bones aching and my heart longing for the purifying fire of God. He is making me a new man and is even kind enough to let me dream with him about it. Before, I was afraid of facing my own heart and its darkness because I was doing it alone. This time, I’m going in with a faithful friend, a fearless leader, and the most loving Father I could have ever asked for. One who is beckoning me into his light, never demanding, always inviting.
With that, I will rejoice in my suffering. For I know that the testing of my faith is producing steadfastness. And I will let steadfastness have its full effect, that I may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. For when I have stood the test, I will receive the crown of life that my Father has promised me, in his love for me.
I’m ready, Papa.
Oh, and my team changed our name again.
It’s Fuego.
*bass drops*
(queue dope ending song – like the end of an action movie or something. Maybe Kendrick?)
-Elijah
