As my time here in Panama is coming to an end, I am just so overwhelmed with everything my eyes have seen in just a short 3 week time span. I do not think I will ever forget all of what I have encountered, regardless if it was good, bad, or ugly.
One of the main things that has truly been on repeat for me in this time is Vulnerability. Being more deeply vulnerable with my team, with myself, and ultimately with God has not been smooth sailing, and has been challenging, but so good. But with that, comes a deeper insight of what vulnerability is, and to be honest, I was not ready for it.
Track with me for a second, It’s, a cool Friday night, approximately 7pm. My team and I are in sitting the pews of an open church deep in the jungle of Panama in a place called Molejon. There Is a triangular roof over our heads, and metal bars all around the side of the church connecting to the lower cemented walls. We were informed that we would be there till about 11pm at the latest, as many pastors would be preaching and we will be singing quite a bit. Though everything is in Spanish and not one is translating for us, The lord is moving and speaking to us in different ways. From what I understood, being transformed into the image of Christ was why was being preached on. About an hour or so later we get up and head to the back of the church and just start talking.
As I am standing there just taking everything in, I notice a group of girls sitting a bench next to me. I smile at them as I knew we would not be able to understand each other very much. I then glanced down in front of me and what I saw next broke my heart. There laying on the ground was this beautiful 2 year old baby. She was sleeping so peacefully on a cold dirty cement floor with a torn old dirty rag underneath her, as bugs were crawling around her and on her. I stood completely frozen just looking at the innocence of her face and what she has to sleep on. As much as I wanted to look away, I couldn’t. I was captivated.
When I did look away I stared out of the metal prison like bars and saw a huge banker spread out on the ground with 6 other children laying side by side underneath a tree, completely exposed to the wilderness of the jungle and the weather should it rain. I just could not take it anymore. I pushed hard to fight back the tears I knew where trying to escape from my eyes. Alli could do was ask God, why do they have to live like this. No child or anyone should have to sleep so exposed like this in these conditions. I felt as though he spoke to me and told me that theses people, living in this circumstance and situation will know him in a more deeper and intimate way. They will know that it was Him, the Lord, who protected them as they slept. It was Him, the Lord, who would Be the one To be glorified through this and reveal himself. And then, I felt s though I heard him, say “this is what trusting in him and living in vulnerability looks like, Would I Be able to trust him and still see him and say he is good, if I were to be living in the exact same conditions?”
You see, back at home, we see sleep as comfort and gladly look forward to it because of what we get to sleep on. We have hot water, Netflix, cool air and so much more. I wonder if we truly see them as a gift not deserved, or if we see them as an entitlement because we have been told that if we make a living and have money we can have those things? We say God is good and great and amazing for giving us those things, and we see them as success. But would we still say God is good and great if he took all those away?
I truly am starting to see the beauty of vulnerability and how God desires us to walk in it. I am also starting to see how comfort is such a gift and not something we are entitled to.
Thank you Lord.
