What does it look like to be truly abandoned ?
“At some point in our lives, we are all called into the unknown. We have a choice: to ignore the call or to obey it. If we are obedient, we will find ourselves wholly depending upon God, but it will not be easy. It will be anything but comfortable.” – Seth Barnes, Kingdom Journeys
These past 8 days have been a wild ride in so many ways for me, and for a multitude of reasons.
God started off this week by telling me to abandon – everything. To abandon my comfort zone, but also my identity – as a person, as a World Racer. He planted a seed in my heart this week – I would be made His.
I attempted to hold onto this promise, feeling unrest most of the week, but I dug deep with the rest of my squad. Even if we were somewhat forced into community, because of our willingness to be vulnerable and intentional, those 34 other bodies truly became my family, part of me.
Fast forward to day eight. 7h30 a.m. quiet time, sitting at the dining tents and watching my breath float across the table with each exhale. Janea sits across from me, head bowed in prayer. I flip through my Bible, trusting the Word to speak to me.
“Let us know ; let us press on to know the Lord; His going out is sure as the dawn…” Hosea 6:3
I lift my head from Scripture, trying to articulate the thoughts racing in my head and I see the sun rising, slowly melting upward in light pastel shades above the trees. Birds call out songs of morning, condensation drips from the tents around us. The air is fresh, crisp with a hint of bonfire lingering from the night before.
It’s hard to think it’s the last full day tomorrow, at least in this chapter. Hard to acknowledge I have grown closer and felt more accepted with these brothers and sisters of Christ in the past 8 days than the people I’ve been surrounded with at work for 40+ hours a week for a year.
This simple truth becomes clear : I belong here. I was made for this. God has had a plan all along in living with Him in the lead, He has been faithful and delivered on every promise in abundance.
“I came that you may have life and have it abundantly.” John 10:10b
But thinking my life was done changing at that point was presumptive. In just a few short hours, I was sitting in a room with Clint, Esther and Steph, being prayed over. Blessings and thanks for honesty and vulnerability. Explaining that the Lord has me in a tender spot and they believe launching in January would hinder the growth and change that God is working on right now.
I choke down any emotion, trying to dispel the negative feelings bubbling inside of me. Why wait until now ? After everything we have been through this week ? I took feedback, I was open, I acted as a leader and a follower, I passed the tests that were thrown at me.
And I realize this wasn’t a test. The Lord’s truth hits me like a monsoon. “You’re not meant to be performing, Corrie.”
The wrong mindset all along – but why ? I know I can’t look back on these eight days and believe they were in vain, even if in this moment it feels like they were.
Breathe. I trust you.
I pack up my tent as the other 34 squad members move on with their day, unaware of my impending departure. I am hurried, embarrassed, not wanting any of them to see me leave and wonder why. A few pass me on my way to the AIM lodge where I’ll reschedule my flight and wait for next steps. I look them in the eyes, only to look quickly away, knowing I can’t possibly communicate how much they mean to me in a mere moment of passing.
Granted favor on my airline, I was able to move my flight up from Sunday to Friday without incurring extra fees. Thank you for confirmation, Lord. I trust you.
Breathe. You have a plan.
Bella sits with me, offers prayer and words as well as silence, observing me as my thoughts run rampant and I attempt to deflate the threat of anxiety.
What about my job ? My supporters ? My team ?
Breathe. You are good.
I think to my journey back to Kansas. Nervous for what the future will hold for me, for us. Blessed to have seen His hand make a way for me as the enemy tested my patience and faith. But He delivers, always. His promises are eternal.
I know I have to surrender control, I know it’s beautiful and a process. But where is the transfer in my body, from head to heart ? How can I turn a fact into something I can truly embrace ?
Breathe. You will make a way.
I step into the restroom before the 90 minute journey to the airport and it’s almost like culture shock as my bare feet step onto the cold tile and into fluorescent lights, greeted with a huge mirror. The first time I’ve seen my face in over a week. I’m worn, haggard. Bags under bare eyes, hair beginning to show grease again.
I’m going to miss this. Uncomfortable sleeping arrangements with people I hardly know. Community meals, sporadic actual toilets. Freezing showers from a bucket. No privacy, ultimate intimacy.
I know my squad will understand why I didn’t choose the one or two people I could have to explain the situation. Why I didn’t want the celebration of team announcements to become bittersweet. But, in case there is any doubt :
To my family, Exped Squad of Jan16 –
I love you all, with every ounce of my being. These days have truly been a blessing and I’m grateful for all of you and the impact you’ve had on me in this short span of time.
I pray blessings over you all as you get ready to take on these next two months pre-launch and then as you step forward into the field.
You are all warriors – passionate and compassionate. You will change the world. Thank you for being a light to me and for your courage in pioneering this route.
Thank you for your love and acceptance. You are all a part of me, a part of my heart. While I won’t be launching with you this January, I will be getting raw with the Lord as He prepares me for the next steps in His plan for my life. Whether it’s a later launch date or something completely different, you are all my brothers and sisters for life.
“I know the Lord is always with me. I will NOT be shaken, for He is right beside me.” Psalm 16:8
And so I step into a season of abandon, waiting for next steps ; but instead of being scared, I will look on joyfully – for I mustn’t be afraid of the unknown, but instead I will celebrate this season of freedom.
#praise #11n11 #trainingcamp #abandon
