Okay, so I’ve
officially been putting this blog off, and now it’s time.
It’s time to talk
about identity. The identity that I shook off before coming on the race, the
identity I got from being on the race and the identity that God is still
shaking off me now. The identity I’m talking about is in my appearance, my performance and what I’ve come to realize over the past month
is that I’ve even found my identity in the race too.
So it’s month 11,
and we’re nearing the end. I have so many thoughts, prayers and struggles even
now. Being in Asia for our last leg has been such a gift. It’s also been an
almost daily reminder that I’m still placing my identity in how I look, and
what people say about me. Before I left for this trip, I knew God was saying
leave everything. Leave your dreams, leave for friendships, things, desires and
trade them for mine. Okay, God I’ll do it. But He wanted more, He wanted more
freedom and He wanted me to see myself as He sees me. He wanted to show me what
else I was holding so dearly too. He began to show me how I was striving and performing for His love and people’s love. Then He start showing me how I was still looking for my identity in my outward appearance and not paying attention to my heart. Most recently He’s showing me how I’ve looked for my worth in the Race. We’ve been working on all of this, because He who
began a good work in you will continue it to the day of Jesus Christ.
Fast forward to the
end, and where I am now. ASIA!
If you haven’t
noticed, Asians are very thin. They’re not just thin, but they’re bone
structure is small and they’re all like that. Going shopping here has been a
reminder that I’m not small, that I’m actually overweight in this culture. I
don’t consider myself huge, but I know that being on the race has definitely
affected my appearance. My face breaks out like crazy (and the people here will
straight up point out, “hey you have bumps on your face”) I’m like, “yes, I
know that…sorry my complexion is not perfect like yours.” I usually just laugh
when comments are made. Sometimes I get upset, and that’s because I’m insecure about my imperfections. No one likes his or her imperfections pointed out. I don’t fit
clothes like I used to, my hair is damaged from months around the world and I
pretty much have no visible muscle from eating little to protein for 11 months and having no gym. I
don’t like writing this, but I hear God telling me, “there is freedom in
sharing your struggles and sharing the truth.” So, I’m doing it. It’s not clean
and put together, it’s messy and at times embarrassing that I can get so
discouraged by temporal things.
It’s humbling to
know that I have put so much of my worth and value in what I can do for people,
how I look and what I can produce on my own. It’s humbling because I’m wrong.
My value and worth is not in all those things and I need to continue to focus
on Jesus’ love for me. I’m not saying that it’s okay to just stop caring about
your outward appearance or stop caring about being excellent at whatever you
do. What I am saying is that I’ve been deceived into thinking that I can find
satisfaction and worth in those things. The Lord has been drawing me to a place
this year where more and more is being stripped away. “God, I don’t even feel
beautiful.” “God, I freaking hate this humidity, my face is breaking out like
crazy.” “God, if I hear another person talk about all the weight they’ve lost,
I’m gonna lose my mind.” “God, if another Asian tells me about my pimples or touches
my stomach, I’m gonna get pissed.” “God, why is this ugly picture of me tagged?” I fight back, and then I stop and press in. I
struggle with believing that I’m still beautiful even if my outward appearance
has changed for the worst. The race has pretty much turned my world upside down and not just
spiritually but physically. It’s a lie if I say I don’t care what people think,
because I do. I thought that was pretty much just going to go away when I went
on this trip. I thought I would just be so focused on serving people that all
the other stuff wouldn’t matter anymore. Instead of it going away, it surfaced
every month in one way or another. I saw how much it mattered to me, and how
frustrating it was to not see it change right away. In Europe it was all the
fashions that I couldn’t wear or buy. In the Middle East it was the
restrictions on clothing because of religion. In Africa it was the lack of “good, healthy” food, acceptable fashion and lack of places to
buy products and clothes. In Asia it’s the plethora of thin Asian women,
clothes that are sold that are too small and restrictions on clothing because
of ministry.
God has used this
year, the past few months in particular to show me that I don’t need to find my
identity in those things because it’s empty. He had to take me out to bring me
back in, and closer to His heart for me. What I had been missing was the grace,
beauty and love of the Father. He loves us right where we’re at without doing
or being anything to impress Him. When I’m focusing on Him, and my desperate
need for Him, I am changed. I see that my desire to be noticed or admired goes
away. I see that my desire to look perfect and be acknowledged is a momentary
fix to a bigger problem. That problem is, looking for affirmation in something
other than my heavenly Father. The moment I start focusing on what I don’t like
and compare myself to someone else, is the moment I fall into the trap that
leads to jealousy. That leads to a destructive battle in my mind, and leaves me
focused more on myself than Jesus.
I look at going
home and I know it’s not going to be easy. I know there are going to be old
challenges and the new. I know that I need to press into the truth and let
myself be loved by Him. This race has been my identity for the past year. I
didn’t plan for it to be, but it has. Where I have gone, what I have done and
who I have met. That has been my experience and how I’ve identified myself to
people. This race is ending, and I’m beginning a new chapter with God. A part
of the story that doesn’t get told is that as a missionary, I didn’t always
feel like loving, I didn’t always believe the truth and I didn’t always want to
abandon all for Jesus. The glorious thing about admitting the truth is that
other people know what I’m talking about. There are people I’ve traveled with
that have shown their crap, and helped me clean up mine. Those are the same
people that have prayed for a blind man, loved an orphan and traveled the
distance to be available to God. The glorious thing about struggling to find my
identity in God and God alone, is that He still uses me for His glory. He knows
I may get it wrong. He knows I’m going to fail people, and I’m going to put my
affections on other things and people. He knows I’m going to look for momentary
fixes on an eternal hole in my heart. He knows all of this and he still teaches
me how to “seek Him first and His righteousness.”
That is craziness.
That isn’t based on anything I can do or say. The truth is that he wants all
the other stuff out of the way so I can just enjoy his extravagant love and
passion for me. He wants me to make Him my first love. In him is fullness of
joy. In Him we move and have our being. In Him, I am found. In Him, I am
adopted, and no longer an orphan. In Him, I’m loved, desired, cherished,
redeemed, chosen and made royalty. I’m His princess. I’m His beloved and He is
mine. I am His beautiful daughter in whom He is well pleased. I am His friend.
I am His messenger and His warrior. I am pure. I am spotless. I am restored. I
am weak, so He is strong. I am called. I am full of hope. I am light. I am the
apple of His eye. I am never forgotten. I love because He first loved me. This
is true. This is what I’ve been saying all year. There was actually a little
tool us girls used whenever we were down on ourselves. It is called five
things. Whenever one of us was negative about our looks, we got called out and
were told to list five things that we are in Christ. It was one of the best
things I did this year. It’s like looking the lies in the face, and saying, “no,
my identity is in Christ, and guess what, that’s enough.”
At the end of this
trip, I’m not coming home changed. I’m coming home transformed by the Love of
the Father. I have His complete attention and His love all the time, no matter
what. He has put a desperate need in my heart for His love, and nothing else
will ever touch that. When I get home, my hair will get
back to normal. I’ll lose weight and rock the lean muscle like a gangster. I’ll
eat yummy healthy food all the time. My face will clear up and I’ll rest in His
perfect love for me as the next chapter unfolds. The details of life in this
body, are just details and God always looks at our hearts. He always affirms
us, and wants all of our heart, soul and strength. I can confidently say that
my identity is in Him. I will struggle and I will be confronted with doubt, but
He is too faithful to not let me fall back into the traps that lead to my old
identity.
MY IDENTITY IS IN
YOU JESUS
