After my hardest month on the race, I was glad to be heading somewhere new. Truthfully, I didn’t have much hope, but the hope I could muster was that a change of scenery and rhythm would put myself and my team in a better place emotionally and spiritually.
My month started with my best friend on the World Race hugging me on the plane ride to India as I cried about my experience in Myanmar. She stayed up until what we thought was midnight, because at midnight it would be my 23rd birthday. It turns out we got confused by the time zones changing, but it meant just as much to me, if not more. My friend was clearly exhausted and fighting not to fall asleep, but she chose to stay up and encourage me, listen to me vent and cry, and be there when it became my birthday. I’m making such a big deal out of this because it was and is such a big deal to me.
My mindset as we began our time in India was captured by this journal entry: “I’m ready to start over. In fact, I’m committing to it.” But then two days later I wrote, “God, I have nothing. I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m drained. I’m down. I feel like a failure.” I had the desire to move on and start over, to allow my pain to teach me what it had been necessary to teach me, but to no longer live in the bondage and lies I had been living in. But of course I didn’t have the ability to do this on my own.
Something shifted because of a conversation I had with my squad leader. We had multiple conversations about how much I struggled in Myanmar and how now that we were in India, I was still struggling to get out of the rut (to put it lightly) I had been in. My assumption is she had no idea how much this particular conversation would impact me. We had been talking frequently and each time she generously gave wisdom and encouragement. But this time changed everything.
She said, “Becky, I’ve been praying about why you’re a team leader right now and why you’re the team leader of this team specifically. And it’s because of your joy. The people on this team need joy and God has given you the gift of joy and that is why you’re the team leader of this specific team right now.”
This shifted my entire perspective along with my heart. First of all, it reminded me that no one can steal my joy and that I was allowing the devil (dummy), my circumstances, and people to steal it from me. It makes sense that the devil would want to destroy God’s purpose for making me team leader. But if I had any say in it, and I DID have a say in it, I wasn’t going to let that happen. The devil comes to steal and kill and destroy. But Jesus came that we may have life and have it to the full (John 10:10). Already done. Already won.
So I told myself what I often tell myself, “Buck up, Bucky” and decided to call every moment exactly what it is- a fresh start. The first few days I wasn’t awake for more than ten minutes before I was fighting my thoughts or had tears streaming down my face. But my heart was open and the Holy Spirit ministered right to it, and I received words of encouragement from those closest to me that I still look back on over a year later.
I set my sights upon the Lord and was made new each and every moment, because though empty handed, I was also open handed and ready and willing to receive. And that is when healing came. I remember one of the hard days in the beginning of the month, I was so discouraged and heavy hearted that it honestly felt hard to move. I read kind words from a friend that shook me to my core, filled me with life, and I just sat there in tears staring at the truth. I took a moment, wiped my tears away, and faced the day with the quiet, humbling strength that only the truth can bring.
Then slowly but surely I could feel the joy again. I believe it was always there- I KNOW it was always available, but it was nice to feel it again and to have taken back control of my thoughts. God gave me a song to retrain my thoughts, and I want to share it with you. Life Is a Gift by Housefires.
When we had bible study at 5am with the BEAUTIFUL young women at the school of worship where we were placed for the month, “Life is a gift and the Giver is good.” (5am. I am not a morning person.)
When we did dishes for two to three hours in the evening after a long day, “Life is a gift and the Giver is good.”
When my team was unhappy as a result of my decisions, “Life is a gift and the Giver is good.”
When I felt like I couldn’t balance my team’s expectations with our host’s expectations, “Life is a gift and the Giver is good.”
When I was walking to the classes we were teaching on a nice day and the sun was shining and a cool breeze was lightly blowing on my face, “Life is a gift and the Giver is good.”
When we went to an international grocery store and bought our favorite snacks, “Life is a gift and the Giver is good.”
When we stayed up late (even though we had to be up before 5am for bible study) and shared with each other what God had done in our lives, “Life is a gift and the Giver is good.”
When we found an amazing mall, “Life is a gift and the Giver is good.”
When we bought sarees to wear to our goodbye party, thrown by our sweet Indian friends, and danced our hearts out, “Life is a gift and the Giver is good.”
What if taking our thoughts captive just means telling ourselves the truth instead of lying? And the truth is, life is a gift and the Giver is good.
