I haven’t used this platform for a long time, but I feel like I need to share what’s on my heart this morning.
If you haven’t jumped on the Enneagram train, you really should. It’s enlightening to understand how you are and why you are that way. Unlike other personality typings- the Enneagram helps you grow in the places where you need it, and understand and make peace with the parts of yourself that are God-made. It helps you understand your loved ones better too…that they aren’t just lazy or driven, or whatever…they are that way because God made them to be peacekeepers, or achievers, or helpers. Go HERE to take a quiz and learn more! (Not sponsored…just LOVE the Enneagram!)
As an enneagram 1- my “negative” emotions are usually processed through anger. What I mean, is that unless it’s excitement or joy or contentment, if I’m feeling something, it comes out in anger, resentment, disappointment, etc. But truly it’s fear, anxiousness, sorrow, or uncertainty in disguise.
I’ve been curious because I haven’t felt angry at all during this quarantine time. I’ve been impatient for the world to reopen, absolutely. But not angry. For one, I’m an introvert so I’ve kind of been loving the required time alone at home. And mostly my life hasn’t changed that much. I work in a private residence, and I live onsite. I still see the same people every day, I still talk to my family. Yes of course getting groceries is harder, Target is closed, and I can’t freely go to the park or sit and have coffee with friends. But I’ve been pretty content with the slower, quieter pace.
Until this weekend.
I’ve been feeling isolated, sad, and aching for my people. For my friends far and wide, for my local church body. The amazing life events that I’m missing in my peoples’ lives, even the mundane daily things.
This morning, I sat and wept through my church’s live worship stream, missing these incredible people who lift me up, bombard me with giant hugs every week, who know my story and my shortcomings and love me anyway. These people who are the embodiment of Christ to me, and to those in my sweet town. These people who every week risk themselves to go to the church building and put together worship and sermons.These people who pray for me, encourage me, feed me, know me.
This weekend I’m feeling sad. Without anger. And as weird as that feels for me, I’m encouraged by it. Feeling hard emotions without anger is growth and new courage for me. To feel raw, untethered, exposed without a puffed up gatekeeper is scary and strange. But not bad. I feel confident in feeling sad, not insecure. I feel safe to be sad and cry and miss my people. That’s growth for me.
That’s Jesus.
Jesus is healing some place inside my soul that at some point decided being angry or resentful or disappointed was easier than feeling other emotions. Safer than feeling what I really feel. But now Jesus is, as always, softening out my jagged edges. He is here, even in the sadness.
God is here in this scary time of quarantine, face masks, ventilators, and world chaos. God is good, still. God is sovereign, still. God is in control, STILL.
I would love to hear what God is doing in your life. Is he healing something that you haven’t had time or space or quiet to deal with before now? Is he revealing something new about his character? Or yours? Send me a message! I’d love to pray with you. ??
