Here’s a little snapshot into my mind right now:
There is no way the money is going to come in. People tell me to pray boldly. God, is this really what you want me to be doing?
*Look in the other direction, see something different or distracting.*
*Influx of schoolwork, two snow days in a row, lack of motivation to do anything for school, here comes Senior Comps. Oh look, there’s that person that had potential and you messed it up.*
God, but why can’t I control that? If I can’t control the money coming into my account for this Race we’re going on, why can’t I at least take control of the relationships inside my life that are basically going to crap? Please take this pain, God. It’s not fair.
But for God, it’s completely fair. He is withholding these things from me because He is in control. Of the money, of the brokenness, of the relationships that I so desperately want to be repaired before I leave in September.
More than I hate being ignored or feeling awkward, I hate not being in control of what is happening around me. This past week, my blog had a kink and it threw me for a loop because I had just written an amazing blog and lost all the content as soon as I hit save. It had the names of people who had helped support me last week in my efforts to fundraise and was explaining a lot of the feelings I had been feeling throughout the week prior despite feeling so blessed by the generosity of the student body. It had a picture of my updated grid and all these other things that I was so ready to share.
Then God said no, because He probably wanted me to write about control instead of all the other things I had planned on writing about on Friday night.
Thanks, God.
Confession: I check my account three times a day. Most of the time the number doesn’t change. But there are rays of hope when it does. I know every amount helps.
I worry too much for my own good, especially since this is something I really believe in and believe God has called me to.
I had this crazy goal of being fully funded before I leave in September… But I can’t even let go of control over the number and how low it is right now. I know I have time and I know that in His time it will come in, but I want to have enough for training camp now and then start working on the next deadline for launch. Lets get real: I’m as impatient as it gets.
It’s been really difficult for me to believe in a miracle God might have in store for me around the corner because miracles just never happen for me. I’m initially quiet and this journey is already pulling me more outside my comfort zone than I would care to admit. Asking people for their money is not easy and it is uncomfortable. The idea of following up for a phone call after a letter is terrifying. I would rather Skype, email, and meet face to face rather than call you on the phone.
God works in His own time. Not mine.
This is His World Race. Not mine. Living in complete surrender and losing my sense of control for Him is proving to be so much more difficult than I expected it to be.
So many believe that the Race starts when we launch, but the Race I’m taking part in has already begun, as I’m sure it has for many of my Squad mates. God is already trying to transform me and give me a spirit of letting go and leaning more into the will He has for my life and for The Race.
But even my life is not my own. As much as I try to take control of it, the more resistance snakes its way in and the more I try to hold on, turning my shoulder away from God rather than leaning into Him by prayer and petition for each and every thing that is burdening my heart (and right now, it’s a lot more than just fundraising).
Please pray for me and my squad, as we continue to raise support and tell others about what we are doing on The World Race. Please pray for peace and loss of control so that God can scoop us all up under His fingertips, guide us forward, and take control of the things we’d rather be taking control of ourselves.
As promised, here is the list of names that helped me out so graciously by giving cash donations during my fundraising efforts a week ago at school. I am still humbled and floored by the amount of students who helped me out, every amount helps so much and thank you doesn’t seem like enough.
Many Thanks to:
Rebecca Boddie, Brian Doyle, Elizabeth Aliotta, Kassie Davis, Stacey Weigand, Alecia Tubbs, Maddie McDonough, Timmy Greene, Christina St. Pierre, Cody Vasco, the guy I don’t even know the name of who dropped a large bill inside my cash donation bucket, Jordan Price, Bethany Mohnkern, Chris Estep, Lyndsey Steelman, Rocco Martinelli, Chris Sibilia, Gregory Whitney, Jessica McCaffery, Jess Albee, Ryan Davis, Robert Benjamin, Lane Niehus, John Riofrio, Julia Henck, Justine Buchanan, Charles Brecht, and Karen Philbrick.
(Note: Those who are italicized are not students at ENC, but nonetheless gave and helped me in my fundraising efforts by online donation. SO MUCH THANKS. Seriously.
Welp, that’s all I got for now.
All my Love while Losing Control,
-Ashley
