“The Lord seeks a bride who is willing to yield her (self) identity and the totality of her being, that she might come into a life of complete submission to, and union with, her Heavenly Bridegroom.” I have no clue who said this, but dang, it’s good.
Lost For Life… Spray painted on a little white wall(?)…in English…in the middle of nowhere, Peru. We have been travelling for about an hour through a massive desert (I’m sure it has been much longer, but I have only been awake for an hour)..
And then BAM.
“You see the garden of your heart like this… You don’t think it’s worth the love and attention I have in store for it. You don’t feel safe in your own garden–you feel as if it’s a wasteland, as if you’re going to be lost for life. You don’t see the beautiful blue bow-tie orchids or stargazer lilies, or the sunflowers standing tall over there. You miss the beautiful daisies, a beautiful rainbow of colors, and you even miss your most favorite, most prized orange roses.. Instead, you see this mirage of a dry dust bowl of a place, a place that doesn’t end…a place that is dotted with dying trees and trash from passersby… You see the raw beauty in the villages throughout the desert and the villages along the mountainside. Why won’t you allow yourself to see the beauty within yourself? As I walk through your garden (Song of Solomon reference), I don’t see a desert. I see a beautiful sanctuary overflowing with orange roses, daisies, sunflowers, and blue bow-tie orchids. Look at your garden through My eyes. See the beautiful creation I have made in you so that we can enjoy it together. I love you, I don’t hate you. Don’t hate yourself. You are precious to Me.”
Woah. Yep, God called me out. I’ve always been super hard on myself, and pretty negative too. Why? Well, I used to think that when negative stuff comes my way from other people, since I’ve already heard it from myself that it can’t catch me off guard. Which is true–it never really has.. But what it has done is confirm all of the lies that I believe about myself along the way. So, the way I view myself has become a hindrance in my relationship with my Father. We’ve been working through this since the beginning of this journey, but there are still some battles to be won. Two reasons that I don’t allow myself to freely experience the goodness He has for me… 1.) I don’t think I’m worth it.. 2.) I don’t see it..
We’ve been working on the whole “worth” thing for a long time now, and it’s DEFINITELY improved. Just in this year, I see a dramatic difference from the way I am in month 8 compared to where I was in the beginning. It’s been cool to see that when people confirm that truth, it shrinks the lie that I’m not worth it more and more each time. That lie has gotten a lot smaller, but We obviously have more to do to demolish it.
So, why don’t I see it? I think that is because I have trained myself for so long to not see the good in myself–to let the “bad/negative” outshine it.. So, when it comes to the garden of my heart, I do the same thing. I can’t see the beauty past the mirage of lies that I put on myself.
Where do I go from here? I’m going to keep on trekking. 🙂 God has already done so much in me, and I know He will continue to work in me. I think there will be a lot of lie-releasing, truth-grasping, and eye-transforming going on in the next few months. I want to be “a bride who is willing to yield her (self) identity and the totality of her being, that she might come into a life of complete submission to, and union with, her Heavenly Bridegroom.” I’m excited to see who comes out on the other side, past the mirage of lies. What will the beauty of this bride truly look like? Can’t wait to see her for who she truly is–to not only see the person other people say they see, but more importantly to see the person my Father sees. And I can’t wait to see the beautiful garden my Father has made in my heart, and enjoy it with Him. 🙂
With love,
Ash
