Training Camp was hard, but I think it was a different kind of hard for me. See, at training Camp we are given the opportunity to reflect on our lives, dissect them to allow us to know ourselves better and how we became the people we are. We learn how to be vulnerable and how to bring both joy and pain to God to fill us with His love and mercy. We talk about forgiveness and letting go and on top of that we have 30+ other people with ears open ready to listen.
Training Camp was hard for me because I have done all these things on my own. I thought I was fine, strong, nothing I needed to really confront about myself or my past… but I was wrong and I didn’t even realize it until a week after training camp.
For years, I have learned how to deal with the fact my father didn’t want me. How to deal with the past decisions I made purely to bring myself pleasure that only resulted in pain and consequences. Nearly every male relationship I have had, I have given everything to… poured all my heart, effort and strength into understanding them and being there for them… and every time resulting in them not wanting it (not wanting me). Friends, both male and female, I’ve had for years deciding they don’t have time for me or want to be my friend anymore for no particular reason… we all get “busy.”
Although these things happened over time, I have developed a deep apathy for people in my life.
On the surface, it may look like I am just fine. Another friend… another person to fill a spot on a plane or a team.
Don’t get me wrong. I love a lot of things about myself, I value myself and I know myself well… which is why I have been living with the individualized idea that all I really need is myself (and God of course).
But underneath, it takes a large amount of energy and effort to make myself available for people. Which I do, almost always. I love people and I want to give my love to them… but it’s hard. I want to love people like God loves people… but I believe God also feels the pain when those people don’t want Him. #relateable
I am the kind of person that will skip an interview because my friend is having a mental breakdown. I will wake up at 3am and talk to a friend for hours if that is what they need. I will drive for hours to see a friend for 30 mins if I felt I needed to.
But that kind of care has never been reciprocated. I will drive for hours expecting to meet a friend for lunch and find out they “forgot” and can’t make it. I will start talking to a friend on the phone about something really important to me and when I’m finished realize they’ve been asleep for 10 mins.
People let me down. Over and over and over.
I’m sure there are many people who feel or have felt this way…
Instead of feeling let down, I will convince myself that I just needed a nice drive to spend time alone for a while, or justify that the person who fell asleep must have had a really long day. People aren’t perfect, I know that. I also know that God will never let me down. In those moments, I would seek Him because He is always available to hear me. He knows me.
Since I have been back from training, my life is just as busy (5am-8pm) and I have felt just as apathetic as before. Only now, I am trying to figure out why I am this way.
Being apathetic makes me frustrated. I want to feel things, but I literally cannot. It’s like a pulling on your chest to symbolize pulling the emotions out of you kind of feeling. You want to touch them but you wouldn’t know what you were holding even if it was in your hand.
I don’t set expectations for people or events because I am afraid of being let down. It’s painful and I avoid it. I have been through periods of depression and I don’t want to go back… but on the other end, I also cannot allow myself to feel joy or excitement… I am just living in a constant state of CONTENTMENT and OKAY.
There were a few times at training Camp I felt something other than okay. I balled my eyes out on the second day when one of the staff sat with me and told me “It’s okay not to be okay.” And I was actually filled with pure joy after one of my teammates Victoria told us her testimony. Worship session was AMAZING that night!
I think it’s going to take some time… one decision after another before I feel something other than okay for an extended period of time. I feel very lucky that I get to spend an entire year with 30+ other amazing, loving people sharing the love of God all over the 10/40 window! I most definitely expect to learn a thing or two from living in true biblical community.
Below are some of my takeaways from camp:
1. Love is more than a feeling, it’s a decision to serve another persons interest.
2. Faith honors God and God honors faith
3. Stop thinking God visits – He LIVES inside every believer
4. Only perfection can judge you – you are not worthy enough to judge yourself.
5. Do not be an island. Seek community to understand more of who Jesus is (community of the body)
Thanks for reading,
Ariel
If you would like to know more about the specific types of training and scenarios we had at Training Camp, you may ask me or visit the blogs of my squadmates (videos are included).
