As I scroll through facebook I see engagement and wedding photos. I see lives moving on and taking the next big leap, one honoring of the Lord.
And it scares me.
Not because it’s not happening to me. Not because I feel like I’m missing out on something. Not because I feel like I need to rush home and find someone to marry.
But because how I envisioned that part of my life playing out, is now radically different from before.
It’s much more beautiful now.
I am living in a very different life than everyone at home right now. Since I was accepted on the Race I have willingly declared that I will remain single until July 2014, a total of almost 18 months. God has called me here, to step out in faith and declare I am in pursuit of Him and nothing else. To put my love-life on hold, fully trusting that if it’s His will, He’ll provide all my heart desires in His time.
That doesn’t mean I don’t still pray for my future husband. That I don’t still think about it, daydream about it even. That I don’t still hope one day I’ll know what it feels like to fall in love. That I don’t scroll through Pinterest wedding posts and wonder who the man will be in my own pictures.
But my whole mindset on the whole dating thing, on what a man of God should be and looks like, on who I am and growing into as a potential future wife one day, is radically changed.
I’ve had relationship after relationship, friendship after friendship that were not founded in the Lord. And so they would crumble. People would get hurt, there would be un-forgiveness, hard hearts, manipulation – the works. All because Christ wasn’t the center of it all. What would happen if those relationships did have Christ at the center? Is it possible to really be in love? Do I dare to dream that’s even possible?
Whether this makes me an unrealistic dreamer or not, I do believe it’s possible, and I really believe that’s why wedding/engagement pictures have been affecting me so much lately. It’s because I am daring to dream that those pictures really are capturing a beautiful, God honoring, real love. And although it might not be perfect, they are striving for perfection in Christ, together. Some might think that makes me naïve, some might think I’m being unrealistic, but I don’t think I am.
And the one who tells me it’s true, is Christ Jesus Himself. The ultimate Godly man. The ultimate pursuer. The ultimate husband. As I’ve drawn nearer to Him, He has shown me a love far greater than I could ever imagine. As I’ve drawn nearer to my sisters, He has shown me His love through them and their hearts. It has nothing to do with what man has shown me love can look like, but it has everything to do with what the Creator of love has shown me He created love to be.
In my past I’ve tainted it, painting it as an ugly picture of lust and disrespect, both to myself and others. I used and abused and it led me to start disrespecting myself and something God had created for His children to experience in joy. It became a tool for manipulation instead of a beautiful expression of affection. A way to “get what I wanted,” which was actually not what I wanted at all. A way to get the temporary satisfaction instead of the infinite reward.
Where I used to stand thinking, “My husband will forgive me for my past,” I now look down at my purity ring and cringe, silently pleading that one day my earthly husband can forgive me for the things I’ve done. Silently pleading that I will never slide back into a mindset of manipulation and the abuse of what I thought love looked like. What respect looked like. What honoring looked like. Silently pleading that the things Christ is showing me and I find so beautiful right now, will remain strong enough in me that I wont slide back into what I walked in before.
The relationships I have on this earth might not be perfect, but if they’re founded in Christ, I can guarantee they will be a lot better than before. I’ve already begun to experience it.
I know that 1 Corinthians is used quite a bit to describe love in weddings, and is even joked about in shows like “How I Met Your Mother.” But after praying over the verses and examining the relationships I’ve had where I’ve felt like I’ve loved well and been loved well in return, it’s because these things were true. So I really do think it’s worth listening to, once again.
“Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.
Love is not proud.
Love does not dishonor others.
Love is not self-seeking.
Love is not easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.
Love never fails.”
