How am I supposed to do this? No seriously, how am I supposed to leave this place where I have loved and poured myself out from the depth of me. I can’t! I don’t want to!
Three days ago I start to feel this tight feeling within my gut and I don’t know what is. I have these dreams that I’ve been having for weeks about all the men we’ve been serving in Puerto Rico and I have been finding my smile to be forced and my feet to march slower… what is wrong with me?
I think I love them…
How did I let myself do that, I’m pretty good about being guarded and showing “just enough” Jesus to people. I’m pretty good about taking a step back whenever things get too deep. Somehow, here, In Ponce Puerto Rico my security system was disarmed and these men broke into my heart and stole it. Now what? How can I leave my heart here? I tried to get it back, like, I really did. I said goodbye, I wrote letters, I cried an entire day… but my heart is still missing.
It was awful…
We had a sort of finale performance for them of the EVERYTHING skit, which is a very powerful musical drama. Then almost immediately after, it was time to say goodbye. I hear men from all different directions in either broken English or complete Spanish asking me if I’m ok. I nod and borrow some sunglasses to disguise the anger welling up in me that was disguised as tears. I said goodbye 5 or 6 times to so many of them. The worst part was that they stood there with long faces trying to be supportive but someone wrote in their eyes “Please don’t go” and I couldn’t bear to look into them knowing that was exactly what I had to do. These are my friends. My partners. Men we’ve been filling prayer times with, they have been my joy for two weeks and this is it? I’m not very good with anger but in my heart I’m so angry because I love them too much to leave.
I am drowning…
The tears have been taking over my face without my permission, and I’ve already filed a missing report for my heart but the cops haven’t had any luck with finding it yet. So I sit here laying inn bed awake, on my off day until 1pm, heartless. What do I do now without my heart? I mean I’ve had it broken multiple times, so I know how to deal with that… but I’ve never had it flat out taken from me, and I don’t really know what to do without it.
Find it for me….
So if you happen to pass through Ponce, Puerto Rico, please keep an eye out for my heart. It’s very big and vulnerable right now and painted with the faces of all of the men at Hogar Crea. I’m sure that there are bruises and healing wounds on it still, because that’s how it was when it left. You shouldn’t have any trouble bringing it over because you don’t need a key to get into it right now because the men broke the pad locks and chains. Please if you do find it be very careful with it, for it is extremely gentle and hurting in too many ways treat and I know that the last thing it can handle is any more pain. Once you have it you can return it to me, the girl sitting on her bed with no more tears left to cry and the empty space in her chest.
I need peace and strength, Father. “ The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace” Psalm 29:11
Peace. Grace. Good memories. Happy thoughts.
Alyssha
