Choosing to follow through with this has been my hardest obedience.
I write those words almost reluctantly as thoughts flow in my head like,
“What if people think I’m not excited? What if they think I’m downplaying all the incredible things God is calling me to do in this season?”
But the world needs a little more transparency. The truth is: this IS exciting, it IS exhilarating, it is an experience of a lifetime, God is going to do SO MUCH, and I’m thrilled for all of that! But it didn’t come without a lot of sacrifice, a lot of work, a lot of change, a lot of boldness, a lot of faith, and a lot of laying down my life. It has come with so many conversations, so many confirmations, and so many prayers. And I find that the best and most beautiful things in life are often produced through those seeds.
I can say with all sincerity that from the moment the Lord started stirring transition in my heart a little less than a year ago until this day, has been one of the hardest seasons of my life.
I’ve asked God “Why does it have to be so long?”
“Why does it have to be so far?”
“Why can’t you call the people I love the most to go with me?”
“I know it’s not going to be easy but why does it have to be THIS hard for me?”
And with all the kindness and gentleness and love in his tone his answer was always a simple, “You’ll see,” and “I’ll show you.” Accompanied with an overwhelming peace and assurance.
I don’t know if I’ve ever cried so many tears, felt so much pain, and encountered so much love in my life. But as I drove away from the city I’ve called home for the past 4 years with tears on my cheeks, and a heart full of emotions the Lord whispered to me “This is fruitful. Sacrifices and burnt offerings I do not desire but obedience is what I delight in.”
This is fruitful obedience. And I’m reminded that pain and difficulty always produce the best fruit and the most beautiful perseverance.
The past 8 months I had many moments where I thought about backing out of this. But I didn’t and I couldn’t because of this simple fact: He was calling me to do it. And I can only choose disobedience if I let it be an option. If I’m truly submitted then he always gets the final say. No negotiations, no half heartedness, nothing. Just obedience.
I prayed many prayers of,
“God, if this is you, I need you to really prepare my heart because right now I feel like there’s no way I can do this.”
I had so many “I feel like I can’t because of this..”
Or “God, what about that?”
And the Lord was patient with my wrestling and knew every single one of those concerns of my heart and had the perfect solution and plan for each one of them. He never leaves void and he never leaves a lack in anything!
I’m thankful for the sorrow, I’m thankful for the wrestling, and I’m thankful he’s taught me a new level of reckless obedience, and that it’s okay to have tears throughout the entire process.
He’s made me brave.
He’s made me courageous.
He’s given me peace.
He’s given me favor.
He’s given me so much grace.
