News about my bank account, all is figured out and things are looking up from here. Thank you for your prayers!
The other day I woke up in a bad mood which unfortunately, carried on to the day. I was in a funk and took it out on pretty much anyone. I was tired and didn't feel like dealing with anything. All day kept thinking about just going home and sleeping or even just relaxing on the couch while watching a movie and doing a puzzle.
My life got interrupted.
After work I headed straight to class (which I dreaded going) and while I was there was finding no enjoyment playing with clay, which is definitely odd and not like me at all.
After class I had the choice to spend time with a friend, go back to work to see if my roommate needed help, or go home.
guess which option I chose?
good guess.
as soon as I went home something wasn't right… I saw 2 police cars, an ambulance and my neighbor sitting outside in a chair, with his head in his hands.
My hands were completely full, as always, and I panicked. I began to walk to my door creepily and as soon as I turned around the police officer spotted me and said "mam if this is where you live you can go home, no problem at all." He probably sensed how uncomfortable I felt.
i didn't know what to do, so instict was drop something pick it up and walk another direction. Because, you know, that's what you do when you drop something.
I was fighting my flesh to go back and confront the situation that was right in front of me.
i won.
i turned around and began walking back to my door, I smiled at the cop, then looked to my right to the completely drained man.
Pain was all over this old mans face as he said with a whimpering mouth "my wife passed away tonight. I can't believe it, I just can't believe it. We've only been married 5 months you know, I can't cry anymore"
I stared deep into his blood shot red, puffy eyes
i began to tear up just hearing the love towards his wife and hurt towards her death in his voice as he repeated his words.
my flesh screamed "GET OUT OF THE SITUATION, GO HOME AND RELAX. you don't have time for this."
All I could say was "sir, I am so sorry, if there's anything I can do at all please, please let me know." And next thing I know my shaking hand was opening my stubborn door.
When I walked inside, I shut my door, and layed against it for a good 15 minutes. I had no idea how to handle this situation. I've never met this man before, nor have met his wife.
These thoughts, in order, went through my mind,
"wouldn't it be weird if a random stranger was just consolling him?"
"wouldn't he tell me to leave him alone?"
"I'm sure he has family on his way."
"wait.. What am I doing?"
I rethought the words that I told him, "if theres anything I can do, please, please let me know." The thing is, there was something I could do, that the Lord calls us to do, and I was ignoring it.
"Love your neighbor as yourself."
Love my neighbor as myself.
I love myself, i want to serve myself all the time. I want to do things for myself.
but, He tells me, love my neighbor as myself, so serve my neighbor, do things for him.
techniquely, your neighbor is everyone around you, but in this specific situation, my neighbor, is literally my neighbor.
I realized the enemy was winning, I got up threw my handful of stuff on the couch and began wandering around looking for SOMETHING to use as an excuse to go back out there.
i looked back at my door and saw my puppy sitting waiting to go pee. "PERFECT!" I thought. I grabbed her leash, prayed against the enemy, prayed to be a light, and walked back to the situation I wanted so badly to avoid willing to allow whatever the Spirit has in store for this time.
His once was dead eyes lightened up when he saw my dog and said "dog's make everything better, whats her name?"
I answered and he began petting her and talking to her… dog's obviously can't answer, so i realized in that moment, he just wanted the presence of at this point… anything or anyone.
I then sat down next to him and let him talk and share stories of his beloved, how they met, what she was like.
I learned His name was menroe, but decided I was going to call him roe because his wife called him by his full name.
He then asked "is it you who's going on the world race?"
I smiled, and said "yes."
He asked what it was about and what counties I was going to, he allowed me to share my heart for it and he began to let out a small smile as I was speaking.
That small smile meant a lot to me in that moment, it showed me there was still someone alive in his what seemed like worn out, dead body.
He then said "my wife was really religious."
I began to try to encourage him but didn't give too many words- the spirit really just wanted me there with him.
So I obeyed and waited for His cue.
I watched Roe as he watched the doctors carry out his now dead wife's body on a stretcher, I watched the tears stream from his eyes, I then realized I was crying too. I hated this for him.
The officers began getting things wrapped up and gave their condulences and went on their way.
We sat outside for another 10 min in silence, he must have been in some shock still, so i let him feel.
I'm a firm believer in feeling how you feel in that moment, don't try to clean it up and act like life is easy.
I didn't want to say things to him like "it'll be okay." "tomorrow's a new day." blah blah blah.
Because we all know it WILL be okay, yes, but why look ahead to the future when in the moment it hurts.
Tomorrow IS a new day, yes, but why skip over today.
I dont know, i'm just a feeler, thats why my personality test says.
anyways,
time passed and he looked up at me and said "can you carry my chair inside for me? I can't lift it up."
and he was right, he couldn't. He was pale, his legs were brittle, i could tell he hasn't been walking much.
Before he finished his sentence i was already up and ready to help in anyway that I could.
We walked inside and he sat in his recliner, i set his chair down and sat down on the couch.
He began repeating his stories of his wife and how they met in high school and she searched for him 50 years later to find him single. Stories of his previous marriages. He shared with me how every day for the 5 months they were married she would tell him "you were the happiest and best thing that's ever happened to me."
Gosh, this man made me cry on multiple occasions. Roe loved her well. He was mourning her loss. I was mourning with him.
While he was sharing his life with me, I kept reciting these verses:
"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear down and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and at time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
What do people really get for their hard work? I have seen the burden God has placed on us all. Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end. So i conclude there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God."
It was his time to mourn, his time to cry, his time to grieve, his tme to throw away, his time to hate, his time to heal.
it was my time to grieve, my time to embrace, my time to be quiet, my time to love, my time to cry, my time to mend.
I like the idea that theres a time for everything.
I like that we don't have to pretend to have it all together. Scripture even tells us to feel- but to know that it's a time or a season, or a moment.
I like that we are allowed to be vulnerable.
When I first began walking with the Lord my freshman year of college for so long I remember i felt like i was in this trap, that on the outside I was as chipper and happy as can be and everything was always GOOD, but then on the inside I was a mess and just broken. I remember always just wanting to cry because things were getting so difficult. I didn't realize how difficult this narrow road really was until I was alone and my mentor had given me space. I didn't realize there was so much that I had to sacrifice. But nobody knew that. I never let that show.
I wish I had, because then I feel like I would have been more approachable.
Show you're broken, and the broken and lost will see they aren't alone.
Because they aren't.
Admit your brokenness and your need for Him.
I stayed with him for 4 hours.
I loved that he was allowing me to serve him, he really couldn't do much and at first he would try to do it by himself, until i forced him to sit down and let me do it. After a while, he began just asking if I could make coffee, or grab a cigars for him from the gas station, or close his blinds, or send a text to one of his family members because he couldn't figure out how the "damn thing works".
He was so funny, I loved when he would laugh about something I said, the sound of his laugh was good.
But everytime we would get off topic from his wife, he would look over at where I was sitting and stare off into space. He must have forgotten he was speaking to me, not her. And he would cry again. And again, I would just let him be.
I learned he has no friends or family in Tyler, that it was just he and his wife here. And now because of this tragedy it's now just him. I'm glad I went against the enemy and walked back into the situation. Nobody likes dealing with these kinds of things alone…
Being with him that night reminded me how short life really is- even though he and his wife have been alive and kicking for 70+ years, time flies.
It's made me reevaluate how i'm spending my day's here.
I don't know, i'm still in the reevaluation process, so this isn't really a blog that has any point really to the story i'm sharing with you.
that night, "love your neighbor" became real in a both literal, and not.
Because my neighbor was a lot of different types of people to me before this night.
He was a stranger, an elder man, a husband, a father, a vietnam veteran, and well, also, my neighbor.
But, now he's no longer just those types of people to me anymore because I took the step to love him as I would have loved myself. Loved him by giving a grieving man someone to talk to, I allowed him to share stories, and to also share stories back.
I loved every moment of it.
The Spirit in me was so pleased, I could tell, because I was given such joy to just be there with him. Yes, I mourned and hurt for him like crazy, but just being able to serve him was my pleasure.
I don't want to pass by those moments anymore.
I don't want to be so caught up in myself I miss the person next to me that's mourning a loss, or a break up, or battling a sin that's eating them alive.
I want to love them- and loving them could be different for each kind of person. Some need prayer, some need truth being spoken over them, some need an embrace, and some just need the presence of someone else.
Thanks for reading, be in prayer for him as he gets the funeral stuff together, I know how difficult this has been for him and just for him in general, losing someone so dear to you is a rough place to be. The enemy has no place with him. Pray that Marina and I can continue to serve him well that we don't forget about the hurt he must be feeling, that we can be a light in his life.
Love you all dearly.
Thank you for taking the time to read.
-Andie
