Maybe it's because in my church's small group material, we're covering the image of God as "Father" and I didn't really have one growing up. Perhaps it's because I've been single for quite some time now, and I don't often think about it- but when I do it strikes a certain chord. Perhaps it's because my two dearest friends in the world- the two most joyful and loving women I know- are incredibly, happily married/on-the-way-there. Maybe it's this dang Hurricane Sandy that's blowing cold and grey and rainy weather my way, and that brings anyone down. Maybe it's because I watched a really emotional episode of Downton Abbey right before bed last night.
Whatever the reason, today I am struggling with the Big "L".
Loneliness.
I woke up this morning and just felt…alone…in the world. Which is so silly! I have a roommate, dear friends live within minutes of my house, my work and my church only a little farther than that. Daily, I am surrounded by people- many of whom I love passionately. But there was just something off about this morning.
I went to work, really just going through the motions, and now as I am preparing to lead my small group of precious high school students, I'm sitting on my couch thinking, "What on earth is my problem? Why can't I snap out of this?" And I'm really not sure. And that's okay. Sometimes it's all right to just feel. But where those feelings lead is where I must be wary.
I know that I must guard my heart, for it is the well-spring of life (Prov. 4:23). I also know that the heart is deceitful, and it is beyond my ability to comprehend (Jer. 17:9). What does this tell me? My emotions, while valid and acceptable, are not to be trusted or depended upon. Yes, it is perfectly okay for me to feel lonely, or single- I believe that's pretty normal for a woman my age (or, really, a woman of any age). But should I make decisions based on these feelings? Certainly not! If I give in to these feelings, I miss out on great conversation, on fellowship, on chance after chance to minister or even be ministered to. My feelings are admissible, but I HAVE to guard my heart and not give in to the control of those emotions over my mind or my logic.
Sometimes I just want a hug. Today is one of those days: a big, rib-crushing, make-me-feel-like-a-little-girl, bear hug. But what I need is to re-fix my eyes upon the prize (Jesus) and be reminded that earthly pain, emotional suffering, even relationships, are temporary; Jesus is eternal.
Today I feel lonely. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Knowing the Race is on the very-near horizon, where I will be sent to the ends of the earth with just five other people- I'd better start learning to deal with these pesky, negative emotions now, and grow from them, rather than allowing them a foothold to keep me down. You know what they say- "give no opportunity to the devil" (Eph. 4:27), because he will certainly use whatever he can to prevent our glorifying the Lord. And that's not acceptable.
See ya later, loneliness.
