The Lord has taught me a lot this year. It’s kinda funny, I can’t pretend like I have even processed all that He did in me last year, but He has done more in me and in the lives of those around me this year. Last year was fundamental to the things he is establishing and expanding right now and there is even more to come.
This blog has been super hard for me to write because for the last few months I have been really struggling and I’m not about to write a bunch of fluff just to hold to my word that I was going to update people. So this is an accurate and semi detailed account of the heart and life of Amber.
I have been desperately trying to keep my head above water and not let the waves of life, emotion, and the lies of the enemy take me over. If I’m honest though it seems easier most of the time to just let go and let them take me out. Sometimes I have and I end up this pit of self despair and then beg the lord to rescue me, and because of his infinite mercy and grace, he always does. It is a cycle I have been caught in my entire life. Cycles of shame, guilt, condemnation, and the stupid freaking lies that seem like truth.
This week, like many other times, it all came crashing down and threaten to take me out. The noise in my head began to be so loud I couldn’t discern what was me, the world, the enemy, or God. It all sounded the same and it all was overwhelming. Panic began to rise and I had another panic attack. Yay.
The Lord then told me to read this book, Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship by Jack Frost. Not just read it at a comfortable and easily digestible pace, but read it and read it quickly. Usually Christian books take me about 2-3 months to finish because they are just so dense I can’t process all the things the Lord is teaching and convicting me on, but I did it, I read it in 36 hours. I finished it last night.
I have a little history with this book. I was trying to read it last year on my race and finally cracked the cover Month 8. I was gonna use the book as a shield to get out of doing ministry and just be angry and hard hearted, but the Lord wrecked me in the first chapter. I went from a hard hearted to convicted and that is when the Lord sent me a woman and that is when I saw the Lord heal someone else for the first time. A promise that I held onto the entire year. I then never picked it up again and went about my life until he reminded me to read it a few days ago.
It is almost like I am using a draw to drink out of a fire hose, but I’m wrecked. There is going to be continual revelation for a while, but for now I realized how much of my thinking and therefore actions were based on living life with an orphan mentality. It’s a mindset that makes you believe the lies that you aren’t a son/daughter, you can’t go around claiming these promises of the Lord because they aren’t yours, and puts a distance because you and Lord because you have closed a part of your heart to him. That closed heart also bleeds into your other relationships and a lot of the times fear of rejection, trust, and abandonment play into them. A heart of a son/daughter feels secure, loved, and knows that the Lord will take care of him/her even if the present circumstances are saying otherwise.
I have been feeling for a while like I was split. A foot in this camp and a foot in another. I felt like I could reach out and grab some of the things that the Lord is giving me, but something is holding me back. Something has been making me fear that if i were to reach for something at Gods table I would get my hand smacked and be shamed for even thinking that I had the right to grab anything from the Lords table. That’s orphan thinking. A daughter has a place at the table of the Lord and is welcome to grab anything on it. The Lord has been telling me to jump in, jump into his camp and get my foot out of the other. It’s so much harder to keep your balance when you have feet in two different places. Instead, find stability on the side and in the arms of the Father.
I hope this is helpful for someone. I have always heard of “Fathers love” but never accepted it, but that is where security and lasting transformation comes from. When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt where you stand and where you belong, even if you just messed up a few minutes prior. You still belong and are welcomed in the arms of the Father. This doesn’t make sense to me, it is head knowledge. I am waiting for that revelation to take that knowledge down into my heart.
So I’ve been praying for the last few days to have a revelation of the Fathers love. So that’s what I am waiting for.
In the meantime he has been speaking a lot to me through song. This song has been wrecking me and it’s my little anthem. Take a listen. It’s good.
This is why I titled this blog At the Water’s Edge, I am like maybe less than ankle deep in the water and cleansing of the Fathers love and I am waiting for him to draw me out or for a revelation to allow me to dive head first.
Until then,
A
