I felt pretty secure and confident when I left home. I knew how to have hard conversations, be vulnerable, ask for forgiveness, speak truth, and be bold. Being in a foreign place with strangers is a game changer though, especially when I live with those strangers.
This is a month of being uncomfortable and speaking up before I’m ready. I am learning to be bold and confident with my words, and it is hard. For the past few months, I was challenged to trust my discernment, speak up, and share truth.
On the World Race, I can’t go home and hide if I make a fool of myself. My team mates are not strangers who I will never see again. They are strangers who share a room with me.
That’s a whole new level of vulnerability. It’s being naked with nowhere to run and hide.
Reading Bible stories to Malaysian 7-9 year olds was scary a week ago. I didn’t know anything about classroom management, and when they wouldn’t listen, I felt inadequate. When I got asked to teach preschool at the last minute last week, I felt a little nervous and uneasy. When the class did a few chaotic laps around the room, I took away 10 minutes of break time. I doubted myself: “Am I being too harsh? Why can’t I get them to sit still?”
Last night I lead chapel with Ashley and we didn’t have a plan. God just asked me to be available and movable. It went as well as any class of antsy 13-14 year olds could, but I came home with new doubts in my head: “Was I loving? Was I being impatient when they wouldn’t stop talking? Was I being too critical in my tone? Did what I say even make sense?”
God comforted me, but the lies were persistent, obnoxious, and loud. So I did something I rarely do: I asked for help. In my head it seemed like a silly, small request, but I knew it was a big deal because when I asked, my hand started trembling.
I could tell she was getting ready for bed. I didn’t want to keep her up. She looked sleepy. “What if she was busy? What if she said no?” There was a split second, as Rae walked through the common room, where I could choose to speak up or stay silent.
For the first time in a long time, I spoke up.
Somehow at home, calling a best friend for prayer during moments of doubt or panic is normal. Asking the same thing of a teammate, who is physically in the same room, is harder.
I get it. The risk of rejection is higher when you’re face-to-face, but I want to be more stable than that, boldly secure in Christ and unshakeable.
I’m using new muscles this month. Going through the motions of speaking up feels shaky and awkward, but it gets easier each time.
Every time I decide to say something, I take a step closer to being my true, authentic self, and every time I chicken out, I just try again next time. The process is hard, but I’m choosing to use my voice because it’s worth it. I want to be someone who speaks boldly even if it scares me. I want to be fearless and walk in freedom.
How often do we hold back and stay silent when He asks us to speak truth and life to others? The real question is, do we trust ourselves and more importantly, do we trust Him to speak through us?
