I already feel like I failed my test for the morning.
I think you’re going to laugh.
I was in the kitchen making the final batch of brownies for Scott. Contently listening to my music and eating my chips. I was looking forward to the last part of brownie making when you get to lick the bowl… Which is funny because usually I don’t mind whether or not I get to. But this morning I was especially looking forward to this moment by myself, to indulge in some deliciousness….
And then Mel Jo walked out of her room and I panicked. I looked down at the bowl of brownie batter and decided not to put it in the pan yet, so that she would see I’m clearly on a mission to make brownies. Instead of walking toward me she walked passed me, so I breathed a silent relief and continued to pour the brownie batter into the pan, scraping most of it but purposefully leaving myself a few good drippings. I popped the brownie pan in the oven and happily walked back to my place at the counter with the big bowl of drops in front of me.
And then it really happened.
Mel Jo came traipsing back into the kitchen and my heart sank. I knew for all the times I made brownie batter that this was going to be the test of what I read this morning and prayed for last night: to love in unity.
And yet my flesh took over. I hunched my back slightly and looked intently at my phone, hovering to protect the precious batter I saved for myself. “Because I deserved it! Because I was loving generously other times and because it was selfless of me to make brownies for Scott and if someone else wanted the brownie batter they could have made brownies themselves!”
And so the internal conflict in my mind became larger than the love that should have replaced the words of excuse and entitlement. When she leaned her head over my neck and asked “what are you making?” In hopes of eliciting a response out of me. Both her and I knew in that moment that she wanted to be offered my brownie batter and that I was not going to be doing any offering….
And so here I am.
Brownie batter has been eaten.
It didn’t have quite the taste I was hoping for.
It was tainted. It went bad.
It was consumed out of selfishness instead of the brotherly love.
Because had I loved, I would have seen a little Amanda walking in the kitchen “innocently” asking about the brownie batter in the bowl and offering the whole. Because that’s what love is. Not giving up a little bit when you expect the sacrifice. But giving up the whole when you expect it for yourself.
And so now I get to sit with my previous actions of love (making brownies for another) having been negated because when the true test came to love another, I chose me and my circumstances.
Sigh*
