“””
W A V E S
They come and go, come and go, come and go.
Repetitive, but not monotonous.
Faithful.
I stand at the edge of the water,
Staring.
I let the waves wash over my feet,
Refreshing me.
Water brings refreshment, clarity,
LIFE.
Water brings life.
Life comes and goes, comes and goes, comes and goes.
Life is given, and life is pulled out.
OUTPOURING.
Life is brought, then life is poured out.
Brought and poured out, brought and poured out, brought and poured out.
Repetitive, but never monotonous.
God is not monotonous.
I stand at the edge of the water,
Being drawn out
Deeper and deeper and deeper.
The waves no longer only wash over my feet,
But over my legs, my waist, my neck.
My control lessens.
But the more panic I express, the more control I lose.
I need help.
Caught in the undertow.
Caught in comparison.
Caught in expectations.
Caught in the things of the world.
It takes, and takes, and takes.
The water no longer brings life, but
Death.
Suffocation.
Fear.
Weariness sets in, and my desire to fight lessens.
Caught in the undertow.
There’s the tug.
A tug to go deeper,
Deeper into the undertow.
To let go.
Let go of all…
Including myself.
I have to let go of myself.
Tugged.
I let go, expecting death.
But the water doesn’t fill my lungs.
I don’t hurt.
I don’t fear.
I don’t die.
But I drown…
I drown in the gallons of grace washing over me,
Inside me,
Around me.
I’ve never felt so alive.
I’ve never felt so pure.
I’ve never felt so free.
Gallons upon gallons upon gallons surround me,
Fill me,
Overwhelm me.
Grace.
“””
Journal entry. May 2nd, 2018.
The Lord keeps giving me visions of being in the middle of an ocean. I’m treading, swimming, barely surviving. No land in sight. Nowhere to go. I get more and more exhausted as I carry my life on my shoulders. I push my head under the water every few seconds to rest. But then I pop back up, gasp for air, take up the weight again, and keep on treading. I never stay down long enough to let the water fill my lungs.
BUT, the funny thing is, I feel way more alive and way more free under the water. I refuse to stay under for too long, though. I pop my head above the waves, breathe, tread, get exhausted, then go under to rest. I never let the water fill my lungs.
I keep trying to carry the weight of my responsibilities on my shoulders. The funny thing is, that weight stays at the top of the water when I go under. The expectations I feel I need to uphold cannot follow me. When I let go and rest underneath the cool, silky sea, the Lord envelopes me in grace. Which, in turn, is bringing me life. Grace is my oxygen.
Why don’t I stay under? If I can breathe, and if it’s bringing me more life by being under, why wouldn’t I stay?
Because the air is what I’m used to. The oxygen is what the world tells me I need. It’s absurd to believe that I can live sustainably under the water.
It’s funny to think that I would rather experience what’s normal and safe rather than what’s life-giving.
I have to let myself drown. I have to lose myself in the ocean of God’s grace. I have to stop suffocating, self-relying, and controlling. I have to let go, defy logic, and let myself drown.
It is only when I drown that I will stay under. Because if I’m alive, my mind is going to keep telling me to come up for air. If I’m alive, I’m still in control. And when I’m in control, I make myself my god.
I have to drown. I want to drown.
I’m throwing off my fear and I’m running to you, Jesus. Bring me life. Be my oxygen.
Read a verse in Philippians a few weeks ago, and the Lord’s been speaking to me a ton through it. “May you receive and experience the amazing grace of our Master, Jesus Christ, deep deep within yourselves.” (Philippians 4:23 MSG)
Living DEEP, DEEP in grace, in love, and in freedom.
I hope you do too. Hope this encouraged you.
-Lyss
