This past week ministry has looked a little different than it has been since we got to Cambodia. This past Sunday we went to a small village where we evangelized and that is where you go to a couple houses and ask them if they know the Lord and depending on what they say, you share a little bit of your testimony or share them word of God with them.
This was very new to me because I had heard of it, but never actually participated in it. At first, I felt very detached and discouraged because I did not feel anything for the group that we first met and thought something was wrong with me. Then we went to another house where a grandma lived and some of her grandchildren were there. While everyone else in the group was connecting or just talking to the grandma I continued to look at the children and see myself in them as well as just hurt for them. They did not speak any english so all I could do was smile super big and wave a whole lot and every time I did this they smiled back just as big and innocent. Anyway, fast forward to when we were getting ready to leave and pray for the grandma. We all agreed to pray at the same time out loud and then someone was going to close. As I began to pray I felt drawn to pray for the children and not necessarily for the grandma, which as first was frustrating because we went there for her and not the children but then I started to realize something. I wasn’t looking or feeling or hearing God within the people we were specifically praying for, I was looking and felling and hearing God within the background noise. That is why at the first house I was taking in the condition of the house and how many people were living there rather than connecting with the woman we ended up praying for. And same with the second house and connecting to the children and not necessarily for the grandma.
We went to one more house after that and to get to this house we had to walk up steep steps and as we were climbing them we were told there was an older lady/grandma who was very sick. Immediately my mind went to the family and how they were handling it and if they needed prayer for anything specifically. Not that I didn’t feel for the older lady because I definitely did, it was just a different experience and emotion than the rest of my team. As I sat there and watched my team go through emotion after emotion I realized that just by looking at them I felt what they were feeling in a different wave than what they were going through and that is when I felt God telling me to get up and go pray for one of my teammates who was very emotional about this woman. After trying to get myself to just ignore it I finally got up and sat next to her and placed a hand on her and just prayed for an overwhelming feeling of peace and closure. Then as we were getting ready to leave my leader asked if someone felt called to pray and of course I did because I was feeling for the woman but also the family that was also in the room looking at the woman with so much love and adoration. I ended up praying out loud and my host translated everything I said to this family and it filled me up so much. I am very glad I got out of my comfort zone and just prayed for what was on my heart.
So, after processing this for a couple days I had a couple realizations:
1. I tend to feel certain emotions through other people’s eyes because I have a soft spot for people who are hurting or going through growth in their experiences.
2. I do this a lot at home and I just didn’t know how to deal with it or use it to benefit myself and others. I just put it to the back of my mind and thought it was me trying to understand what they were going through or trying to pick their brain apart, but it is just how God made me.
3. I am a big time feeler and detail oriented person and I am learning how to use all of that.
4. I connected this back to my family. My grandma had a stroke and lost the ability to move her left side of her body and it definitely took a toll on my family and I. I didn’t realize I did this, but while everyone was focused on my grandma I continued to look at the background noise of my grandpa and uncle and my mom. This was my grandma’s family and I felt so much for them specifically and how they were dealing with the whole thing rather than just looking at my grandma’s state. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely feel for my grandma and want her to get better and pray for a miracle almost everyday, but I definitely feel for the background noise which is my grandpa and their two children (my uncle and mom).
Through this one experienced I clearly learned a lot about myself and am so happy to be given these opportunities to get to know myself through the challenges the Lord has laid in front of me. And I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the love and support I am getting from back home because it is helping me realize while I might be missing out on different experiences or family time, I am doing God’s work here and touching people’s hearts in Cambodia and at home. I love all of you guys and cannot wait to here how this experience touched others as well.
With love,
Alyse
