Amidst days of ministry, adventure and Spanish, there have been many challenges team Dar Vida and M-squad have had to face since we started our race in January. These stories are hard to incorporate in a blog. They’re not the pretty parts of the race shown on Facebook or Instagram. They are parts of the race that help make it what it is: a race of perseverance through the good and bad, highs and lows.
This blog post is a vulnerable one. I haven’t 100% processed through it all nor do I know where I’ll come out in the end. But the “…” means there is more to come. In the meantime, until I reach the conclusion of this chapter on my race, I want to share with you a story. A story that will hopefully help you step even further into the journey I’m on with God, my team, my squad and with you.
Near the end of our first month in El Salvador one of our teammates made the decision to return to the States. We were challenged once more this month as another member of our team and squad went home. I am confident God knows where he is leading each of us and why. For some of us, we are to continue our walk with him on the race. For others, they’re continuing back in the states.
I’ve longed to live in community like this and as you live in community you develop a strong family. As I’ve spent time processing these changes, I’ve come to realize that I was holding on to a fear I didn’t know existed. My Dar Vida family holds a huge place in my heart. As I saw my second family member leave for home I began to fear that one by one, more members of my family would eventually leave me. It might be through their decision to leave the race or via a team change, the latter of which is a possible reality over the next few months.
As I mulled over this fear it began to unleash a dam of additional anxieties and more fears I didn’t realize were present. Fears of failure, never being good enough, being forgotten or ignored, losing the wisdom and understanding I gain on the race, and falling into old habits once I get back to the states… The list grew exponentially and I sat astounded.
“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Curiously enough, within two months of being on the race, I’d forgotten the command God gave me back in August. This is the same verse I put on my letters to you when I announced this new journey I was about to embark on. This is a verse I’d begun to live out and speak into my life day after day. How could I so easily fall back into a spirit of fear I was clearly called out of?
Again, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t have it all put together. How does one stop living in fear? I greatly seek your wisdom and prayers as I walk through this rough patch. Each worry, fear and anxiety holds me back from the work I’m being called to do and the life I want to live. I want to walk in a spirit of power; I want to live out love; I want to possess self-control. Even more, I want to be fearless…
