The World Race can seem kinda glamorous from the outside looking in. But the “Facebook version” does not paint the full picture. Ministry is not usually wrapped up in fancy paper and tied together neatly with a bow on top. I don’t always have a smile on my face, and I don’t always listen to what God is saying. I am a mess sometimes and because I am around the same team of 7 people every day, they get to see my messy. Somedays, they see my messy more than once. Praise the Lamb that living in community is a beautiful testament to God’s love for us, and I get to see what it looks like for people to love me because of my brokenness and through the redemption I am walking in. One of promises I made for my blogs was to be authentic about my struggles as well as my triumphs. So here is the unabridged version of what I have been working through with the Lord in the last 3 months.
Sometimes there is a resounding gong in my ear telling me all of my life fails. Facebook tells me I am not doing enough cool things like everyone else or that my life isn’t as “likeable” as others. Hollywood and my own selfish thoughts tell me I’m not skinny enough or pretty enough. Music tells me I need to find Mr. Perfect in order to be happy. Comparison is the thief of all joy and we seem to be tangled in its lies far too often. So, I decided to sum up the words I hear from satan through all these different mediums into one letter from the enemy.
Hey Allie,
You aren’t doing so great huh? Can’t say I’m surprised. I told you that you aren’t as important as everyone else; glad you are starting to believe me. You keep trying to prove your worth and come up short every time. All the things that you try to hide from everyone else- who are you kidding? Of course they see all of your mistakes. Your value has only diminished since you left for your “World Race” and it will continue to do so until you give up and stop trying. Just get used to it- you just aren’t ever going to do the great things in your life that you thought you were. It’s really simple- you just aren’t good enough. You have been proving that through your whole life. You just can’t cut it and everyone knows that. You have no influence, no power, no significance. You may feel like your worth is defined by the acceptance and affirmation of others- well that’s because it is. It’s not surprising that you aren’t meeting your own expectations. When you aren’t around, people don’t notice and don’t care. Look how many people around you are funnier, smarter, more liked, more fun to be with, have more friends, and are more vital to the group than you are. You say that you are hearing God’s voice constantly guiding you, but are you really? I mean what have you done that is of any significance thus far? Even your biggest accomplishments in life are but drops in the ocean compared to the successes of others. Oh, and that book of dreams you have. Might as well give up on all of those right now. You can keep trying, but you will fail. Again. Just as you usually do. Your deepest fears are becoming reality- you are not fully known, fully loved, or fully accepted. The sooner you start accepting that as truth, the sooner you can stop fighting the reality of your circumstance. You are not chosen and you never will be.
Sincerely,
Fear, Agony, Doubt, Grief- Weapons of Satan
Sometimes I go through times when it seems like the words above are echoing inside my head. It’s draining mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The more days in a row I listen to it, the more I crumble. As I unravel, it begins to effect how I treat the people around me. The truth is, we are in a spiritual battle every day, all the time. Satan WANTS us to get bogged down with these words because he knows eventually he will get a foothold and we will start believing those lies. Just as in any battle, we must combat his attacks. Luckily, our God has already won the war and our job is to keep reminding Satan of that truth. It’s not our successes, personality, or the good things we do or have done that define us. Our imperfection is continuously nailed to the cross, and who we are is synonymous with who God is. So don’t let the world tell you otherwise! As a good and wise friend once told me, “Satan doesn’t pay rent, so he doesn’t get to stay in your head and feed you lies. Tell him to GET OUT.” There is only One who paid the cost to call you His forever, so only one voice can tell you your worth and identity.
This is what my God, Creator of Heaven and Earth, says about me:
My Dearest Allison,
Precious and dearly loved child, oh how I have been awaiting my time with you. I feel the struggle and conflict in your heart, for I know you perfectly. The enemy has been firing at you a lot recently. Though I see how bravely you fight off his attacks, I also see the exhaustion in your eyes as his arrows begin to sink deeper. Daughter, you don’t have to fight so hard, you have nothing to prove. You are MINE. I bought you with my life because nothing else was more important than knowing and loving you for all of eternity. You are forgetful of my love because you think you need to earn it. I chuckle and sigh because I want you to realize how much harder you make this life. You don’t need to trudge through the mud and muck any longer. I love reminding you of the value you hold just because I call you mine. My child, when I created you I saw the fiery spirit of the sun and the royalty of the mountains. I purposed the same fierceness of the ocean and spoke the serene beauty of the sunset into your soul. You bring me so much joy, my beautiful one. My smile rains upon you as I watch you dance in the kitchen or drink coffee one the sofa and read my Word, the love letter I wrote to you. You were not a mistake or an accident- I wrote every page of your story before you even uttered a word. You are on a journey with me and I accounted for that journey to have its wanderings. I made it so those wanderings would always lead you back to me. You are growing, my love, and it’s okay that it’s painful sometimes. There will be times in life when you think you have hit a breaking point. You may have fears or doubts, and that’s okay. When you think you are falling, decide instead to sink into the ocean of my grace. My presence is with you always- that is a promise, my love, and my promises are never void. I am so proud of you, Allie. Not for the things you do or the accomplishments you have, but for the way you love people with MY love and see others through my eyes. You are leading others to know the truth of the gospel. Day by day, you are learning to hear my voice and answer my call. What more could I ask then for you to know me and love my people? Don’t believe the lie that you are not good enough because I live within you and that is only possible by the blood of Christ. You believe my sacrifice was enough for everyone else, so believe it for yourself too. The more time you spend with me, the more you will believe the truth of my unending and perfect love for you- the beautiful, bold, and brave soul that you are.
Sincerely,
Your Good Father and Redeemer
