I’ve been trying to do my best to post at least once a month to keep you up-to-speed on what the Lord has been doing in my life and in my heart, and I just realized that APRIL IS ALMOST OVER???????????????? Time is absolutely FLYING and I cannot even believe that:
-training camp is in 42 days
-launch is in 3 months
-I still don’t know how to make rice
Other than those minor things (jk they’re really important and I freak out sometimes) I wanted to share something really amazing that the Lord has been doing in my heart in the realm of healing and accepting grace.
I’ve struggled for a really long time in accepting grace and forgiveness for things in my past that cause me to see scuff marks when I look in the mirror. For the past four years when I messed up, I felt dirty. Guilty. Shameful. Though it hurt inside I was able to shake it off, sweep it under the rug, and move on. The poison of unforgiveness and self-deprecation owned my confidence for years. But lately all of that dirt and grime I had suppressed came to the surface, and my world was shattered.
For two days I was a mess. I cried all the tears, I felt all of those feels that come when you know you’ve messed up and you’re about to be punished for it. But unlike in the past where I soaked up my pain and tried to hide it, grace pulled my sorrow out in the open like Bambi when his mom was shot. *oops now I’m crying again*
I was driving home for lunch last week in a complete daze. Nothing on the radio, my mind somewhere between the next traffic light and questions of why I’m even here. Out of NOWHERE I heard this:
“My grace is sufficient for you, Allie.”
I’m sorry, what? How many times have I heard that verse (2 Corinthians 12:9) and not actually heard it? I can’t really tell you. But I can tell you how many times I HEARD IT that day… like 26 times. Over and over and over. And I finally knew that it was true, and that it meant something to me, and that I was redeemed and suddenly WAY MORE EXCITED THAN I’VE EVER BEEN OVER A BIBLE VERSE because it was JESUS telling it to ME when I needed it.
The realization that His grace/forgiveness/love for me is sufficient/enough/plentiful just destroyed my prior misconception that it’s my job to make me clean again. I’m at a point now that I can’t even type fast enough in an attempt to explain how much this changes things. Because of his grace, Jesus declared me righteous and gave me confidence in his goodness. And how much more beautiful is it that I can boast in my weaknesses so that his strength is made perfect and Christ’ power may abide in me.
I am forgiven. I am redeemed. I am loved. I’m perfect and I am made complete. (Colossians 2:10)
And you know what I’m not? Ashamed. Embarrassed. Hiding. Because grace doesn’t keep score like humans do. It means all of my mistakes are serving a purpose instead of serving up shame.
“And he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest on me.”
The beauty of grace for me is now so much greater as I prepare to embark on this journey. I have the opportunity to share this with someone, maybe lots of someones, who also struggles to feel forgiven. Maybe they’ll have a similar beginning of their story, and Jesus will use me to encourage them just enough for Him to move in and touch their heart in the same way grace touched mine. And should I stumble again, still I am caught in His grace. It’s just beautiful. and perfect. like His heart. I strive to look like this!
thanks for listening. xoxo al
