Saying goodbye to my family and home in Guatemala has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life.
Most people would say that I started processing this goodbye too early; however, I needed to process it earlier than normal. I started processing weeks before the goodbye knowing that if I didn’t, my emotions would hinder my ministry in Ethiopia. One main way that I grieve and process is crying. I cried for about two weeks straight, just thinking about my sweet friends in Panimaquin and the impact they’ve had on my life. So, the first few weeks were filled with tears and a mix of emotions— sadness, joy, and gratitude.
After the mourning period was over, I entered this time of denial. I refused to believe the fact that I had to leave the place where I feel the most myself, the most loved and the most wanted. I couldn’t believe it and I didn’t want to believe it. I was distraught at the thought of saying goodbye, so I tried to tell myself that it would never happen. Obviously there are times where you know something is about to happen, but it doesn’t feel like it’s actually going to happen— It was like this, but on a whole new level.
This period of denial came with many coping mechanisms. I caught myself watching more Netflix during this time, then the whole three months. I would skip doing devotions in the morning because I was angry. I was angry because of times where I couldn’t go up to my village or I wasn’t able to see certain kids from my village. My emotions and priorities resulted in lots of battles— emotionally, physically and spiritually. Emotionally, I was just over everyone and everything all the time. Physically, I was exhausted at all times during the day. Spiritually, I was choosing other things before the Lord. Thankfully, this denial stage only lasted a few days before the Lord brought me back to Him with love and forgiveness.
It’s a week before saying goodbye now and I have been processing the end of this season in such a healthy way. I cried when I needed to. I laughed when I needed to. I wrote down my thoughts when I needed to. I continued to seek after the Lord and ask for His unconditional love and overwhelming peace in this time. Thankfully, the Father always shows up and never stops shaping my heart. I was filled with joy for all the parties, but also filled wit so much sadness to say goodbye to the most precious people. My heart was so full of love– and indescribable love.
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I said goodbye to my precious family and friends in Panimaquin a few days ago. I cannot really describe what I’m feeling. I feel beyond thankful. joyful. so sad. broken. It’s the most beautiful pain, it feels like someone ripped my heart out of my chest and stepped on it. I have been remembering and reflecting on the big and tiny moments between my friends and I in Panimaquin. I already miss the sweet kiddos and the women so much, it hurts so bad. I am SO thankful for all that the Lord has done in me and in Panimaquin — He has brought restoration, revival, freedom, love, unity and so much peace to Panimaquin. Thankful to call Panimaquin- my home and those in it- my family.
Prayers Requests:
- Processing goodbyes
- Safe travels to Ethiopia (I leave in a week!)
- Peace and comfort!
Thank you:))))
Blog ya laterrrr,
Alicia
