Hey Dad!!
There’s so much to tell you. I don’t know where to start! I don’t really know what this looks like? How do you sum up eighteen and a half years? Do you start with the present and go backwards or start from the beginning and go forwards? I don’t know??
I guess I can start with right now. Where am I even at right now? Physically, I’m sitting on the living room floor of our sweet host in the capital of Myanmar. Spiritually, I’m learning that dependence is hard. It’s hard to worship when you want to run and it’s hard to choose joy when you want to cry. However, I’ve never felt closer to Jesus than I have these past two weeks of constant surrender. Emotionally, I am exhausted. It’s really draining to heal and to have heavy emotions. Choosing dependence is the best and hardest thing I’ve learned on the race.
A couple months ago, in Romania, I was learning what it looked like to be a child of God. What does it look like to have a Dad that created every resource in the universe? A Dad that is capable of anything and everything. I started walking a lot more confidently because I started to get a grasp on this. But, as I sit here writing this, I realize I don’t really know. I don’t have an earthly example of what a dad does. I’ve seen other dad’s in action, but it’s kind of like a dream when you wake up and can’t really remember what happened because it wasn’t real life.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if you were still doing life with me. I think I would call you leaving CrossFit on Mondays, going straight to YoungLife, and tell you all about how I finally hit a new PR. Actually, I think you would do Crossfit with me just because I like it. I think we would have a never ending competition about who was better and it would be ridiculously fun. I think I would go to Mississippi State baseball games just because you would like them. I think when I came home from college you’d be at home, ready to see me. I think we would have a lot more dogs too, but no cats because I don’t think you like those either. I think we might take mom and the dogs to the beach on long weekends because all three of us love the ocean. Actually, there might just be more than three of us. I think you would come to Starkville just to meet my friends and drink cold brew from 929 with us. I think I would learn about gentleness and Jesus by the way you love mom and me and my friends. I’m assuming your love language is quality time and you like quiet spaces because everyone tells me I’m just like you and that’s what I like. So that means you’d like road trips to see friends that live far away and concerts in outdoor venues and watersports because they’re a blast. I think you would really like the rain just like me. Actually I think I got that one straight from you. I think you would’ve been at every track meet and soccer game ever. I think you would tell me I’m smart when I don’t believe it, and that grades never will be the end of the world, good or bad.
But, I think you’d be 1000% in for me on this whole world race thing. I think you would push me to see the adventure every single day of this crazy experience. I think you would have celebrated fundraising with me, and hugged me when it all got crazy. I think you and mom would come to PVT and we would all worship Jesus and go great white shark cage diving together. I think you wouldn’t comment on my blogs because you’re a guy of few words, but I think you just might be subscribed to everyone on the squad. I think you would wonder why in the world I was called to this life, but so glad I’m seeing Jesus work through it every second.
Because that’s what dad’s do right? They come to sports things and take you to sports things and eat with you a lot. They drive you places and get excited to see you and know your coffee order and bring it to you just when you need it most. They show you adventure and are a place of refuge even when you don’t take up the offer. Moms are really great too, but there’s just something different about a dad. There’s just something different about your dad saying, “I’m so PROUD of you!!”
Because somehow, I know you are.
The most important thing though, I think I would have had a better understanding, with my human mind, about God. I would have had a better understanding of what it looks like for your Father to fight for you. I would take advantage of calling Him more when I was happy or sad or anything in between. I would be most sure that He would show up when I needed him or when I didn’t expect him at all. I think I would remember more often that He is always always there, and I don’t have to do anything alone.
Maybe all of this is my imagination, and none of this would be true at all. But, this is who I choose to believe you are. I think you are selfless and generous and brave and kind and I would learn all those things from you.
Love ya and miss ya,
Alex
