If someone were to tell me at the end of these 11 months, you have to do this year over again, I would side-eye them, back away as slowly and carefully as possible, and then take off running in the opposite direction.
I couldn’t do it. And its only month 3.
The race is hard.
This year is going to be steep growing curve after steep growing curve.
It already has been.
God is revealing hurt from my past that I want to flee from at its first sight.
But it has to happen.
So I can learn to trust Him more, allow Him to protect me, allow Him to defend me.
Not do it myself.
So I can speak a little more truth with a little less fear and a bit more volume.
Because in the face of a very many bad things, there are good things. And the good things are sweeter. And clearer.
And small kindnesses do make a big difference.
During our all squad month in Haiti we decided to boost moral with a good ole fashion prom – All of the boys asked each of their 3 dates to prom in adorable and thoughtful ways.
Girls exchanged dresses, shared makeup, and of course made sheet toga dresses.
Decorations were up. Music was poppin’ & we had prom in the middle of Haiti.
But the boys asked to be in charge of King and Queen.
They planned a special night dedicated to us women-which occurred the following Monday night. And as awesome as prom was, this night stole the show. On the rooftop in Haiti that night, God tore open parts of some women’s hearts we have been holding on to for quite some time.
The men lead worship music. They were vulnerable with us and spoke of their fears.
Then,
they washed our feet.
Honestly, looking around that night, it was one of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed. There were benches with three women each and the men of D-squad kneeling in front of each, individually washing her feet & pouring out words of affirmation for her. It was emotional. It was so beautiful. And it came from the hearts of our men. It was something that most women, including myself, have never experienced before.
As Troy was washing my feet, I heard words like gorgeous, strong, worthy.
Oh my. Those are hard to believe. Those are ideas that were crushed in my mind by past hurt.
It was a moment of breaking for me. God was revealing so many things into my heart-
I am His daughter.
I am His beauty.
I am no longer a prisoner of my pain.
I am the one He wants. He desires me.
I am His strong, princess.
I no longer have control of my heart. Surrender it to Him.
I heard,
The pretending is over, now.
Such brutal words from Jesus, with so much love, which makes them – breathtaking.
The pains of my past I held prisoner in my heart have been brutal. Miserable. Awful. but the pretending of thinking I have control, stops. And that is the point.
Because the thing about breaking, being broken, breaking open is that its not such a bad thing. It feels like hell honestly, but is reveals us. It reveals more Jesus. It makes us more ourselves. But in order for that to happen, we have to turn and face ourselves, experience the full weight of who we are – and that is not an easy thing to do.
But there is grace. and mercy. and thank God for that.
And so, the pretending is now over.
I will face my fears. My pain. And allow God to work in me, so as He pours His love into me, I can pour it out to His people. And really, thats the point.
I want to continue to thank ALL of my supporters! I am only $1,000 away from my next deadline in October, and I know God is going to provide me with more supporters to raise my next bit of fundraising. Thank you to everyone & if you feel led to donate towards this journey you can by clicking the “support me” tab!
