Comparison
Ring Worm
Lice
Finances
Abnormal bodily functions
Bacterial skin infection
My great grandmother passing away
It all added up.
All the things that make me uncomfortable in my own skin.
Walking into month 5 I already had a feeling of intense challenge and growth. Before the race my biggest prayer was asking God to wreck my world and change my identity so that it would be found in him. Turns out that the things you desire the most or the closeness you wish to seek with the Lord doesn’t always come in the ways that you would expect.
This is the part of the race where it’s not rainbows and butterflies. The ugly part that doesn’t include adventures or having your heart filled by the love of other people around you. The part where reality hits too hard and all you want are the things that comfort you.
I came into month 5 very excited. I was entering a new country with a brand new team and a ministry that I’ve been waiting for. My team and I were placed in one of the most beautiful places in Nepal. We stay in Pokhara and my backyard are the mountains and a lake. On free days we have the opportunity to go trekking or even paraglide with the Himalayas in view. Even though our ministry fell through, we would have been able to partner with an organization that was bringing the love of Jesus into the Red Light District. Everything seemed perfect. In my eyes this month shouted freedom, but at the same time the Lord was telling me it was going to be a challenging month as well.
And before I experience true freedom I have to be wrecked in everything I thought I had security in.
For me, lice is the worst thing. I’ve had it a few times when I was little and I never wanted it ever again. Of course coming on the race and working with children is inevitable. So the odds were not in my favor. I grabbed lice my last week in India, treated it and was all fine and dandy until it came back to haunt me. Along with that, I’m in the never ending process of getting rid of ringworm. Then I get some crazy weird bacterial infection that made me spiral down into a pit of helpless emotions. I end up in the hospital and on several different antibiotics and fluids to fight against Staph infection. I felt disgusting. I get out of the hospital and my great grandmother died. Like dang it this month is just rough and everything sucks.
My soul was weary and I didn’t want to hear Gods goodness. I didn’t want to talk to him and I even told him I hated him at one point. I know I live in a sinful world and he’s not to blame. I just didn’t have anything else I could be frustrated with and let them be okay with it. I was perfectly okay with swimming in this little dark pool that I was stuck in even though I knew I could get out if I just keep my eyes on him. But I serve the God of the universe. A relentless heavenly father that is patient, kind and loving. No matter what we go through or how much we want to betray him. He knows I’m stubborn and that I didn’t want to give in. But all I could hear from him was – “Alexa, It’s time to truly experience the fulfilling life I have for you”
I just kept saying, God I know you are good. I want to see your goodness through this. I don’t want to be bitter and I don’t want to completely hate everything that has happened this past month. Your word says, why is your soul so downcast? Place your hope in The Lord. So my hope is in you. I know you are a healer. I know you are bigger than the infections in my body. Take my emotions and weariness and make your power perfect in me. I can’t end this story miserable. You are good through all of it. Show me your glory.
Psalm 42: 11
“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God”
This month I’ve learned/still learning that suffering is suffering no matter if you compare it to something worse or not. I am forever Gods daughter and nothing can take that away from me. His power is made perfect in weakness and in his presence I truly find my strength. Even when I don’t know who I am – he always knows. He says that I have a loving heart, great strength, powerful mind. I see beauty in everything and how each thing has been intricately created. No matter what happens to my body or what I think of it, it’s temporary on this earth. I’m shaped and created in the image of God. He calls me beautiful. My insecurities, self worth, emotional breakouts.. were all settled at the cross. This issue of how I view myself was settled at the cross.
There always seems to be a revelation when you lose control of all the circumstances around you. My health is finally getting better and I’m still striving to see that light of the end of the tunnel. The World Race will bring you into the craziest situations. Things that have brought life and death. Endless tears of pain and pure joy that you wouldn’t be able to find anywhere else. Personal hygiene pushed to its limits and an immune system that is stronger than ever. Rotating the same 5 pairs of clothes out of your packing cubes and taking bucket showers with ice cold water. Sleeping situations that are weird, water and power that are not available at your discretion. Living on a frugal $5 or less food budget a day. Learning how to be a teacher or even preparing a sermon in front of a congregation. Living life just like the locals and thrown into different cultures within a blink of the eye. Being stretched and squeezed out of your energy and whether you like it or not; growing in every moment. Through it all, God is still good. Yes, he is still good.
James 1:3
“Because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”
