Psalms 119:37
Turn away my eyes from looking at vanity, And revive me in Your ways.
This is a really hard post for me to write, but I feel like it needs to be written. I want ya’ll to know about what’s going on and what God is doing in my life throughout this journey, so I want to be as real as possible. The reason this is hard for me to write is because it was hard for me to even admit. I just want to warn you, this is going to make me seem extremely vain. But it’s only because I reached a point where I was extremely vain. But now that God has shed light on the issue, it’s something that needs to be broken off of me.
Let me take you back a couple months when I decided to cut my hair. (I promise, this isn’t a silly girl post about my hair… just stick with me.) I know this sounds EXTREMELY silly, but for the longest time, I associated beauty with long hair on me personally. The times that I had cut my hair short, I didn’t feel like I was beautiful. I never felt confident. I felt like I had lost a part of my femininity and like I was losing a vital part of myself every time I would get my hair cut. So for YEARS I grew my hair out. For like 5 years, I would only ever get 1/8 inch trim because I was that attached to my hair. Needless to say, my hair grew pretty long. Well, 6 months ago, I decided that I wanted to shatter that idea that was in my head about long hair. So, I told my best friend (who is my hairdresser) that I wanted my hair cut short, and she told me to sit on the idea for 3 months without changing my mind. Well, let me tell you, that was a hard 3 months because that was 3 more months for me to become attached to my hair. Well, when the day finally came to cut my hair back in October, I cut 11 inches. She pulled it into a ponytail, and just chopped it off. To be completely honest, on the inside I felt like Rapunzel in Tangled after Flynn Rider cuts her hair at the end of the movie. On the inside, I was majorly freaking out. But I tried to keep my composure and not let it show. I think I did pretty good to not show it, but you’d probably have to ask my best friend if she noticed any facial expressions. Anyway, once it was cut and styled, I fell in love with my short hair. I felt like it was a weight that had been lifted off my shoulders.
But that’s not where it ends.
I’ve always loved makeup. I used to work in a makeup store, sell makeup as a distributor, and I just love it. But once I cut my hair, I started to fixate more and more on my makeup. I didn’t have my hair to hide behind anymore, so I subconsciously hid behind my makeup. I was nit-picking at the smallest imperfections and used more makeup in hopes of concealing my insecurity. I mean, I was even wearing a full face of makeup to work every night, which is ridiculous because I work nightshift at a hospital. Who am I trying to impress while doctors, my patients and everyone else on a normal schedule is sleeping? Nobody. I was being completely ridiculous.
It didn’t hit me until this week. I was going to Starbucks, just after having spent time perfecting my outer appearance. And as I was walking, I felt like God very, VERY softly whispered, “Why are you hiding?” In that moment, I felt I was so out of place. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t who God intended for me to be… Being so vain that I have to hide behind my makeup to make me feel beautiful. Proverbs 31:30 says that beauty is fleeting.. so why am I so adamant about looking a certain way? Because I had forgotten what God says about me.
God says:
- I am his daughter (John 1:12)
- I am his heir (Romans 8:17)
- I am created in His image (Genesis 1:27)
- I am redeemed (Romans 3:24)
- I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)
- I am chosen, holy and blameless (Ephesians 1:4)
- I am complete in Christ (Colossians 2:10)
- I am radiant (Psalm 34:5)
- I am valuable (Proverbs 3:15)
- I am anointed (Psalms 45: 7)
God values His children, and He cares about my distorted belief of beauty. He wants to break off this belief that I had set in my mind, and He wants to show me what He sees in me, which is beautiful. I don’t need long hair.. or makeup.. or nice clothes.. or anything for that matter. I am God’s creation, and Genesis 1:31 says, “He looked at all that He had made, and it was very good.”
Whenever I tell people about the World Race, some people have said, “You’re actually doing that? But you’re so high maintenance!” Kinda harsh, but I mean, they’re right. I am high maintenance. But clearly this is something that God wants to set me free from. He wants me to be free to be comfortable in the skin I’m in. I want to be free and confident and not feel like I’m laboring to look a certain way.
Now, I’m not condemning anybody who uses makeup, nor do I think makeup is a bad thing. This is just what God recently revealed to me about the place I was in, regarding outer appearance. I know that God is freeing me of the belief, because if He wasn’t, it wouldn’t have been brought to my attention.
I hope and pray that as I seek out what exactly God wants me to do as far as using makeup, that He will open my eyes to the beauty that He sees. That He would give me His eyes, even if just for a moment, and that He would allow me to see through the eyes of perfection. Because that’s what He is. 1 Peter 1:18-19 says that we are redeemed from our empty way of life with the blood of Christ, like that of a lamb without defect or blemish. He is perfection.
Please consider partnering with me and supporting me for the World Race.
