Again with the unexpected. Things I didn’t see coming. Things I had no idea would be so hard or make me feel so many things.
I have clearly heard our Lord tell me to not make plans for after these next 3 months, yet. How wild, exciting, and scary is that?? I didn’t resign the lease where I’m currently living. I haven’t signed up for classes. Letting Him be creative – what he’s good at. Full trust that He will create the most beautiful story, better than I could. But how hard is this, to not plan. And wow people really do not understand. So am I gonna stay in Springfield? Move to Arkansas? Go back to Thailand? Jobs? Relationships? Idk! But I don’t have to, and that feels good. I can’t wait for the glimpses into what it all could be. Wait He says haha.
The first day of the new year was pretty dark. I cried probably 23 hours out of the 24. The night before my parents had a dinner party/ benefit to raise money for my trip. Friends, family, and neighbors showed up to hear out my heart. It was overwhelming, about 20 mins in I had to step away because I was having a minor social anxiety freak out. People gave a lot of money. And the next day I couldn’t even talk. I felt so heavy. I couldn’t do anything but cry. My parents laid down and held me multiple times that day. I felt so undeserving, so unworthy. Scary thoughts – familiar, but ones I haven’t had in a long time popped into my head. I eventually had to get up and drive home to Springfield, because I worked the next day. On the way home I was screaming literally screaming and listening to worship music. As my heart settled I thought about the difference between being unworthy and being worthless. I am unworthy. I am not worthless. I do not deserve this love or forgiveness or grace. I can never do enough to earn it. I am not worthy of it. I am not worthless. I am worth dying for, because Jesus did. And DANG IT do I need to start living like it! Start living like I was saved! Start living like SOMEONE DIED FOR ME. I have worth because of that!! I don’t completely understand it or see it yet, but I am getting there.
