Breaking my heart with dreams
Being in the Third World now for just over 2 months, I have
found that a lot of poverty and its effects feels normal at times. It doesn’t
always affect me the way I think that it should. Lately I have started to
wonder why my heart doesn’t just break into pieces when I see such sorrow and
misery. I almost feel guilty at times for not being more emotional about things
and I fear sometimes that I will become desensitized to some of the pain and
struggle. When I thought deeper about it though, I came to recognize the
reasons for some of my reactions. First of all, I am trying to protect my own
heart. The stuff I see down here really can be traumatic and depressing.
However, while protecting myself, I haven’t fully allowed God to break my heart
for what breaks His. It is not comfortable to feel such sorrow when you feel
helpless. I’m a problem solver, and there are many moments here where I don’t
see an immediate solution. As a result I think I shut off the parts of my brain
and heart that see the devastation so that I won’t have to deal with all the
emotions that will come with that understanding.
Last month, I realized I had a certain disconnect with God.
I’m not a very emotional person, but one of my teammates encouraged me that
there is more of my heart that I need to give to God. He encouraged me to pray
that God would break my heart for what breaks His. I started praying this more
and truly seeking that God would show what to feel and how to love more. I also
prayed that God would start showing me where He wanted me to serve in future
ministry. I want him to give me a passion for all that I am doing here (no
matter what the ministry, task, or relationship), and for my future.
And then came the dream.
I’ve been having a lot of crazy dreams lately, and as long as I can remember I
have had such vivid dreams. My dreams are always in color, with a lot of clear
conversation and scenarios, and sometimes when I wake up I will think they are
real (like they happened). In the past I have even woken up talking, crying, or
yelling.
This dream though was a little different because it was
almost like a slow motion, silent film. I don’t remember a ton of details, but
I remember I was standing with one or two other people (one of them being a
man, like a pastor or ministry contact or something) and in the distance we saw
two young boys coming towards us, with what we thought were guns. As they got
closer I saw that they really did have guns and I tried to get down, but there
was nothing to hide behind. The pastor guy got the gun out of the hands of the
first boy, who looked about 9 years old. Then the other boy, who looked to be
about 14 or 15 ran by him and pointed the gun at me. At this point I had given
up any kind of escape and was just kind of standing there watching everything
happen. I was kind of scared, but had some kind of odd peace. As the boy
pointed the gun at me, the man grabbed it from him and the boy fell to the
dirt. I looked down at him and he just lay there with tears in his eyes. I
immediately got down on the dirt, scooped him up like a baby and held him. I
sobbed and cried tears of devastation. My heart was so broken for him in that
moment that I just held him tight and loved him.
When I woke up, I didn’t quite know what to think, though
the emotions in my dream felt so real and vivid. After prayer with my team
later in the morning, I started describing my dream to them. All of a sudden I
felt a rush of emotions (out of nowhere) and I just started crying. I couldn’t
stop myself, and though I kept apologizing (because I hate crying in front of
people and rarely do…) the emotions from the dream pushed to the forefront and
I just felt such a sense of brokenness. I think in that moment God was truly
showing me how he felt about His children who are in pain and bondage to their
situations.
I know I cut off the feelings that God was trying to show me
just because it felt so unnatural to me. When I realized this, it just fired me
up for the next time God breaks my heart- that I will be ready and that I will
sit in surrender, full of sympathy and sensitivity to what he wants me to see
and feel.
The dream makes me wonder about the future ministry that God
has for me. I don’t know if the dream was supposed to break my heart for something
specific, or just in general. Either way, I am so thankful to have it
reaffirmed that when we pray and earnestly seek God’s heart, he will reveal it
to us, even in a surprising way.
