I’ve been in this space lately where it takes a lot more effort than I feel like it should to tell someone about my journey. To let them in on what I’ve been thinking about and to say more than the simple, “I’m going to 11 countries in 11 months in October this year and that means I’m raising 22 thousand dollars while finishing out my Senior year of college!” Yeah. That’s been a lot lately. However, there have been a handful of incredible people who have helped me remember my own humanness within this season.
It’s difficult to talk about calling! To talk about dreams, hopes, and aspirations for myself. It’s even more difficult to feel like I must express those things to as many people as possible, as I write letters and pray, and ask God to lead others toward partnering with me on this journey. And even in that space, God continues to lead people closer to me. I wrote a blog post on my personal blog last week, check it out at pasarsinfronteras.wordpress.com if you’re interested! This is sort of a focused, continuation of that post with my heart for the nations emphasized.
I believe and am seeing that God is truly using people in my life to pursue greater vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency of what His callings for me are. I remember being just a little girl and raising my hand in church one day, letting my pastor know that yes I would surrender my whole life to God and that meant something to me then, and continues to be meaningful to me today. In the moments that I have a hard time with surrender, with the reality that leaving the community I love so deeply is going to be far away, from me, the Lord has called me into some brave conversations.
I am not the best at asking for help, at humbling myself before God and others to say “I need help” and that I cannot do it on my own. However, the Lord often puts us into crooks and crevices and yearns for us to ask for his assistance. I’m there. I’m in a crevice where I cannot move or get out from where I am until I plead with others to join me on this journey. To be part of my story, to be part of God’s greater calling for my life and propel me toward His will for my life. It’s strange to be in a place where I can’t do that just with God and me. Instead it looks like me and a whole bunch of people, with God at the center of it all.
Jesus, truly be the center of it all. From beginning to the end, from the moment I wake up and am breathing through every sleeping hour, be the middle of it all. This has looked a lot like telling people that I’m not okay, that it’s hard to focus on school because of how challenging it is to fundraise and have the thought of needing to raise 22 thousand dollars to even continue doing life this fall. It has looked like initiating conversations where I am not okay and I need support. It has meant stepping back into more formal spaces of help such as counseling and mentorship, where I am specifically seeking something to grow within. There is an abundance of community and of space to reach toward, of people to know and join me…but asking those people to partner with me is hard.
Fundraising is a whole lot of effort, and definitely one that I did not foresee as being as conflicting as it has been. Conflicting because while I know I need help, I still have a hard time asking for it. Yet, in that space, God has been near me. There are numerous families, friends, and communities reaching toward me. Pushing me toward asking for more. Yes, there are times where I feel isolated and alone, but then there are other moments when people are leaning into conversations with me to support me in the most positive way. There are the people who have asked authentically and follow up consistently.
In those spaces, I am reminded of the Proverbs 3 verse that reminds me that “The Lord shall be thy confidence” and that He longs to love and support me. He reminds me that in the healing spaces, such as the one in John 5 where a man is healed from something he struggled with for almost 40 years, God wants to help me. The times where my courage feels limited and my fears are enlarged, God knows and longs for me to keep trusting and leaning on him. When I don’t know how to go about asking friend I haven’t seen in years, and families who have influenced me in a grand way over the course of my life…God nudges me and says he is with me.
Most recently, there have been moments where I am looking for some sort of reconciliation and redemption, and have been able to find it in the community of Jesus followers I am closest to. The times where worship through song have been exactly what I needed have been the encouragement of the day. The restful days off campus, to spaces where I can exhale and exist with limited responsibility. Through it all there has been a knowledge in my head and a belief in my heart that God has a greater plan and I may not understand how that looks right now, it will come to pass.
This vulnerability with the hard things, the blurry lines between journaling and blogging, has been deeply in my prayers lately.
“God be with me in these times where I hope my example and testimony is pleasing. God let my life be one that people can look up to and see His face. Let me continue to pursue my story as a way of relating and associating closely with people.”
When God asks me to be vulnerable about something, and when he tells me to share the thing that I’ve just recently discovered about myself. I’ve been feeling really raw this last few days. Raw from having my hurts exposed, from having God use me, from the discouragements the devil sometimes screams at me, and from other parts of life that are just simply exhausting. And it is from that space that God calls me to continue to be still. To be present with Him. To know that God is within me and I will not fall. Read yourself some Psalm 46, it’s a good one. Then swing through and read some of Psalm 62. Look up the definition of Selah. My hope and prayer is that we step into brave conversations together. I hope we both receive and give brave love, and engage in conversations that require more courage that we contain. Your story is one of importance and value, as are the ones of the people around you! Be brave. Be courageous. You have it in you to lean into the nudges of the Holy Spirit within you.
