~Romania, Month 8~
The start of this month was not a great start for me. I had trouble with overwhelming feelings from being homesick and experiencing culture shock from entering into Romania. It’s month 8 of the race, the end is in sight, but also still so far ahead. To be honest, I felt burnt out on the race. The honeymoon stage is gone, the “coolness” has warn off its charm and I am tired of being tired. I started this month running on empty, and I absolutely hated it. I want to finish this race well, but I had lost all momentum and motivation at the beginning of the month to do so.
In the midst of this struggle the Lord met me (as He always does). However, there wasn’t a “aha!” moment where He gave me a revelation or something to spur me on with high energy like we typically expect Him to do when He meets us in our moments. Instead, the Lord just sat with me. He didn’t fix my problems or tell me truths to make me feel better. Instead, He simply just sat with me. I spent about three days on the verge of tears and struggling to go to ministry, but the Lord just sat with me through it. An “aha!” never happened, in fact He asked me to not seek out a lesson to be learned out of the situation. He asked me to just sit, and so we sat. For almost three days we just sat.
Nothing changed and no revelation came, but one morning I woke up with a new found joy that I still can’t explain. I got up, bouncing with excitement for ministry with nothing having changed from the day before. I was still in Romania, still far from my family and friends, still a squad leader with responsibilities, still processing having access to every sort of comforting luxury that there is back home for the first time in 8 months, and still having to start thinking about a game plans for after the race. (I.e. a lot on my plate and still no ability to pour out into those things.) No reason to change, but the Lord changed me. Without an ounce of myself to give to anyone or anything, God gave me His joy and strength to keep going. He gave me exactly the amount of energy and joy to handle everything that came that day.
From experiencing God’s sustainment in this way I have come to a deeper understanding that in all aspects God is the only thing that can sustain me. He is my sanity, my energy, my joy, my strength, my all in all. He is my God. He raises me each morning, feeds me each day, directs my steps, and lays me to rest each night. I don’t have enough to make it through this life, but He does. He carries me and gives me what I need just as He promises He as a Good Father will do. I have learned on this race that when I walk through life with the attitude and identity that I am a child of God, allowing God to serve me as a Father, I can walk through this hard life we all must walk through. When I expect God to be all that He says He is, He never fails. He never leaves me, doesn’t make me feel like a disappointment or that I should be doing more. He already knows I am human and that I am His beloved child. As I have embraced that identity on the race I have seen how God shows up and is always sitting with me. I also see how that is enough for me.
In sitting with the Lord in my sadness at the beginning of the month, I felt no pressure to fix things or to fake joy or strength. We just sat together. As Father and daughter, we just sat. When I was ready to talk, we would talk. When I wanted to sit in silence, we would sit in silence. He was ever present through it all though. It was all I needed at the time. He was all I needed, and all I will ever need. That’s the promise of the Bible after all, isn’t it? That He will be with us, He will be our Heavenly Father and we will be His children (Genesis 17:7, Exodus 6:7; Ezekiel 34:24, 36:28; Deuteronomy 31:8; Isaiah 41:10,13, 43:2; Jeremiah 7:23, 30:22, 31:33; Joshua 1:9; Matthew 28:20 and so many more that I could list.)
My encouragement to you is to take a load off of your shoulders and sit in your identity as a child of God. God understands where we are at, what we have to give and what we can’t give at the moment. You can’t disappoint Him or shock Him with what you have going on. You aren’t supposed to be enough, He is. Allow Him to treat you as His beloved. Let Him take care of you, give you what you need, and pour out His love for you. Open yourself up for Him to walk alongside you and whisper His sweet, fatherly promises to you as you need walk through the battle of life.
Matthew 7:9-11 says, “Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
Luke 11:9-13 says, “So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”
Walk in your right as a child of God today.
