I’m not gonna lie this month has been really hard for me. I’ve been wrestling with a lot of things. I’ve gotten stuck In the victim mindset and have had a lot of discouragement.
A couple days ago, one of my teammates wasn’t feeling good and our ministry host was like, “okay let’s all lay hands on her and pray for her.” After we finished praying, I asked her “How are you feeling now?” She had a frown on her face and said “still not that great.” WELL THAT’S JUST GREAT…NOT! This was not the response I was hoping for.
Later on that day, our host told us we were going to go on a prayer walk around the city for our ministry that day. I was feeling super discouraged and I did NOT want to pray. I was tired of praying. It seem like lately prayer was just “not working out”. Everything I’d been praying for didn’t seem to be happening. I was losing faith and was starting to get angry at God. What the heck God!! In your Word you say we have the power of the Holy Spirit in us to heal the sick. You also say whatever you ask for in faith will be given to you. I kept thinking in my head…”what is the point of prayer if it is INEFFECTIVE…!”
I was having a very negative attitude AND was completely missing the reason for prayer in the first place. We can not change the Will of God by praying. Prayer is our way of COMMUNICATING with God. Prayer is not about us. However, the Devil wants us to think that prayer IS about us and our own abilities. Instead, prayer is about being faithful to God and is something he has called us to do. In times when we cannot see the results of our prayers, we need to hold onto our faith (believing in what we can not see). I obviously need to have a little more faith right about now.
Personally, I’ve been struggling with some “big mountains” in my own life and I’ve continually asked God to remove them. Why wouldn’t he, for removing these “big mountains” would mean I would be living a more holy life. Isn’t that what he wants? However, to my surprise God has not removed them. I wake up every day and I am still face to face with these “big mountains”. WHY GOD!! I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Honestly at this point i’m just pissed off to the point of tears.
However, God did not leave me in this state but instead, he whispered in my ear: “Becca, I don’t want to remove these ‘big mountains’ and temptations in front of you, I want to walk WITH YOU, through them. If I were to just remove them, you would not grow or learn anything.” Ok God. I understand. I will get back on my feet, wipe the tears from my eyes, and keep climbing this mountain in front of me. I might fall down and skin my knee from time to time so I might need you to carry me….And he said, “my child I can do that, just keep your eyes on me!”
