She came up to the front of the group. Pools gathered in my eyes. I already knew what she was going to say. She had told me earlier that day and it had been a topic of discussion a few weeks prior. Now, she had to tell everyone else. Tears ran down Mikayla’s face as she told us through choked sobs that she had decided to return home from the World Race.
During our time here in Nicaragua, the Lord has led me into abandonment; deserting material things, ideas of false-self, and comforts I am choosing over Him.
He’s been showing me what it looks like to “let go” in exchange for greater things He has for me.
Jesus asked his disciples to do this. He sent them out with no shoes, money, walking sticks or bags. (Luke 9:3) He asked them to leave behind the comforts they normally cling to, so they would instead choose to cling to Him. He wanted them out of those comforts, so they would need to depend on Him and know Him as their sole provision and point of dependence.
He wants that same thing for us. My squadmates and I have already stepped into great sacrifice. We’ve left our homes, our loved ones, and most of our material possessions to choose into what He has for us. Because of this, we can get into the mindset of, “I’ve already given up so much. I’m already uncomfortable. Surely, God, You cannot be calling me to abandon more.”
Everyone has a “World Race best friend.” Someone you’ve bonded with either at Training Camp or just over the time you two have been on the field. Someone you’ve confided in, someone you’ve been vulnerable with, and someone who’s helped you break free from the tormenting shame of past failures. Someone who’s been chasing after Jesus with you on this crazy, wild 11-month-long adventure. Someone who eventually becomes your best friend. Mine is Mikayla.
When she told me she was leaving to go home I was happy for her. Her heart had been torn for a while over this decision and it was obvious she had a peace about the decision she chose. I’m confident in her ability to hear from the Lord and she has my full support in what she hears Him telling her to do. After she shared with our squad, we had a worship night. But as everyone else around me worshipped and sang, I closed my eyes and held back tears as I asked God, “Why did you choose my friend?”
I know the truth of God. I know He does all things for our good. (Romans 8:28) I know He is not “taking her away” from me. But a part of me was hurt and feeling victimized by my Creator. “God, I already have so few comforts in this place. I’ve let go of social media. Connecting with people back home is hard due to time limitations and schedules. And everything I own fits in a backpack. Why are you now leaving me with nothing?”
What the disciples gave up were not inherently bad things. In fact, none of what they were asked to give up was bad. He only asked them to leave those things behind, because with them there was not space for God to move into His role of Provider and Comforter in the midst of their smothering comforts. In Mikayla leaving, God is not leaving me with nothing. He is not stealing her away and I am not being victimized. Her deciding to leave has nothing to do with me. But God has shown me through her leaving that He is calling me deeper into abandonment even still.
Fellowship with other believers is an amazing thing and the Word encourages it. However, from this situation, the Father showed me that I still choose certain people and relationships over Him. He wants me to have those connections and that vulnerability with people, but ultimately He wants to be my best friend. He wants to be my sole Comforter. He wants me to come talk with Him. He wants me to embrace Him as my Father. He wants all these good things for me, but it took Mikayla deciding to leave for me to realize I hadn’t fully opened up that space for Him to move into.
He isn’t leaving me with nothing. He’s leaving me with Him.
