My final thoughts leaving Rwanda
I’m not proud of this, but I have wished this month away. It was a very difficult month for me and most of my teammates. Mentally, I was spent. It was a challenge to be attentive and energetic. Basically, I’m tired.
Yesterday was our last day of ministry and I took time to reflect on the month. It became clear to me that I spent a lot of my time wishing time away. I’ve never been one to count down the days, but I found myself doing that very often. Each time someone yelled “muzungu” (meaning white person) I would look over at my teammate and say, “Only 5 more days.” It was a real struggle.
Our squad leader Amy has been with us the last couple days, and she asked us to write down what we want these next 5 weeks to look like. The first thing that came to my mind was, I want to have fun.
I realized that in order for me to have fun, I need to make some changes.
I don’t want to look back on my last 2 months of the race and realize that all I did was wish away time. I really want to enjoy myself.
Unfortunately, I can’t control how I’m feeling. I am burnt out. I am tired. BUT I can control what I do with those feelings. I can voice them every time I feel them, and feed into those emotions. Or, I can keep quiet. In this situation I think it’s wise to not vocalize how I’m feeling because all it does is makes these emotions heightened.
Every day I pray for an attentive spirit, for energy, and joy. Yet every day I say things like, “I can’t wait until I’m not the center of attention anymore…I can’t wait to walk down the street and have no one care”…etc. and honestly these are very valid thoughts. The problem is when I say them every day, it’s a negative mindset and it causes me to be ungrateful. I don’t want to wish away my last month. I want to have fun and make the most out of it, even if I’m called muzunga and even if everyone stares at us all the time.
So, thats my goal for my final month of the race. I want to enjoy every moment before it’s gone.
I can and can’t believe I’m on my final month of the world race. I find myself being 2 different people during this time. One of them is so excited to go home, and sooo ready. The other person is sad to say goodbye to this season.
I want to thank everyone who has followed my journey and continued to support me. Please pray for continued energy, a whole lot of fun, and that I can fit all my souvenirs in my bag 🙂
