Have you ever found yourself stuck in a weird emotional rut for so long you almost didn’t realize you were still stuck there? You spend months and months, it seems, climbing to the top of this pit, catching glimpses of light and feeling like you’re finally moving out only to lose your footing and slip back down to the bottom. Eventually you start to question… Is it really worth the effort to keep trying? Then, you just sit for a while and begin to get comfortable, forgetting to keep climbing.
Climbing builds strength, ya know? It builds muscle and endurance and character. It’s tough, but a good tough if you can fight through the struggle.
I’ve been in a rut for a while. Several months, actually. And it’s finally time I come clean about it and everything else.
We’ll start with the dream…
In the early part of September as I was beginning to prepare for an upcoming mission trip to Mexico, I had a dream that I immediately knew was spiritual. I don’t want to complicate this with explaining how I knew, so please just suffice it to say I always know when the dream is spiritual. The gist of it went something like this:
To start with, I had a stumble in my freedom. After failing to pass this test of temptation, I felt the Lord pressing me hard to confess what happened, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was fighting it with everything inside me. Like an intense battle was going on between my spirit knowing what was right and my flesh wanting to be prideful. All I could think was “God, I can’t tell people about this right now! That would undermine everything we’ve accomplished. People have been inspired by my walking in freedom, not by my falling. I can’t confess! If I do, all they will see is my failure and there’s no way they’ll continue to believe freedom is possible. I can’t, God. I just can’t!” This went on for what seemed like a lifetime, but I eventually gave in and obeyed. Afterward, though, I fell into a deep depression. It ruined me emotionally. Spiritually I went completely silent, consumed by shame. I refused to speak anymore at gatherings. I quit singing. I was horrified every time I would walk into my church, feeling as though there was nothing left for me to give. That I was nothing but a screw-up who would never be able to get it right. My mind was an endless battleground for shame, horror and condemnation, and the intensity of this emotional response is what eventually woke me up.
This was one of the most vivid dreams I’ve experienced in a long time. I could literally feel every emotion while I was sleeping, and I was still experiencing them after being wide awake for at least 30 minutes.
At the time, I was staying at someone else’s house dogsitting. After going through my routine of taking the dogs out and getting them fed, I stood by the island in the kitchen and thought to myself, “Where the heck did that dream come from?” It made no sense. I hadn’t had any issues or felt any temptations in months. At least no strong temptations. So why would I even have a dream like that?
This was my last morning at the house, so I packed my things back up and went home, and this is where things get a little crazier…
The moment I opened the front door to my home, there was an immediate change in the atmosphere around me. Yes, I know this sounds weird, but I’m speaking truth, so just stick with me for a bit. There was literally a change that I could feel in my surroundings – as if I had stumbled into some weird daydream. Then, out of nowhere that sinful desire hit me like a pile of bricks falling from a skyscraper. Unexpectedly. Unpreparedly. With no comprehended warning. And I fell for it.
Immediately afterward, I fell on my face and wept bitterly. I sobbed and sobbed nearly uncontrollably as shame seemingly overtook every part of me. Then, in the midst of my sobs I felt the Holy Spirit gently say to me, “You need to confess.”
Oh my gosh… in that moment I seriously thought those words were the worst words I had ever heard, but I knew exactly why He said them so directly and quickly. Later that day I was supposed to be going to worship practice at the church – that was why. He knew the opportunity was going to be available right away. But I couldn’t bear to hear it. I fought back with Him, “There’s no way I can do that! I can’t confess! Not after all we’ve done over the last few months. No. Absolutely not! No! I won’t do it!”
As time went on in the morning, I continued to battle with Holy Spirit. I get to worship practice just a few hours later, and at some point toward the end the worship leader pulls us all aside for some prayer time. You wanna know what happened? He literally asked the whole group if anyone needed to talk about something they’ve been struggling with so we could just get it out and pray for each other. Side Bar: that doesn’t happen very often at worship practices and hasn’t happened since. My spirit inside me began boiling and I knew what I needed to do as Holy Spirit continued to whisper, “You need to confess. The door is open.” I refused. I could feel my entire countenance change, and I was literally biting my lips closed to keep myself from speaking… it was that bad.
I left worship practice that day feeling more ashamed than I did before I got there. God had told me what to do, but I let my pride keep me from obeying even though I knew what He was saying was absolutely what was necessary. For the next 18 hrs I wept with the Lord, trying desperately to sort out what happened, how, why, and why I was refusing to obey Him. At some point during those 18 hours of intense grief, it hit me… I remembered the dream from the night before. Not once had I thought of it as all of these events took place… not until that moment. Realizing that I was falling into that part of the dream where I was refusing to confess, I made up my mind that I would talk to my pastors the next morning (Sunday) and tell them everything.
I woke up early and got ready for church with mind a hazy mess of back and forth thoughts. My heart raced like Lighting McQueen’s engine pistons most of the morning as every emotion inside of me was at the highest level of intensity I had experienced in quite some time. Through sweaty palms I texted my pastor’s wife and asked if there was any chance we could meet to talk before the service started, and after she checked with the pastor, she replied back that we could make it happen. A few minutes later I was at the church, and from the moment I walked into the building and saw B down the isle ahead of me the tears didn’t stop running for hours. Let’s just say there was an emotional disarray of word vomit that soon ensued with them in a back corner room, but the confession came nonetheless. I was a mess… then and afterward. But at least it was out.
Pause.
What’s the point of all of this, and why are you confessing all of this now? I mean this seems like just another “Denea confessional” that we’ve all grown accustomed to. Plus, it sounds like you already told someone what happened, so shouldn’t you have moved on by now?
Just bear with me for a bit, friends. I’m getting to the point. I promise. If you’ve read my blogs in the past you should know they can get wordy…
That same day, before the service ended, someone in the congregation found me in the back of the church and said they felt like they had a message from the Lord to tell me. Some of you readers know about the events that took place back in the Summer when the Lord had me speak at one of our gatherings. The message He had me share eventually resulted in a service of confessionals… people walking up and confessing sins to one another, forgiving each other, and freedom being experienced. The message this person wanted to give me was kind of in reference to that, and it went something like this…
Someone has to lead the charge in a battle. You’re that someone. When the Lord tells you to move you move, and you lead a charge behind you. The reason you lead is because you love Jesus, but because you love Jesus the enemy HATES you. You’re going to be attacked. Why do you think that is? It’s because the enemy hates what’s happening and he hates you for it. But you need to keep leading the charge. You need to keep fighting through the battles. You’re winning and overcoming! Cowards will have a place in hell, but you’re not a coward. You’re brave. You do hard things because you love Jesus, and He sees you as perfect…
There were other things said as well, but those aren’t important to share now. And the person who shared this message still has no idea what had transpired only a couple of hours beforehand.
Fast-forward to today. I’m sitting here trying to write this blog now that the Lord has finally released me to share everything publicly (I’ve asked, but kept getting told it wasn’t time yet), and as I reflect back on the last 3 and a half months, I guess… well, I guess hindsight is 20/20.
You see the last few months have been an up and down roller coaster of all kinds of crazy emotions and mind battles. I thought last March/April was rough, but this has been a whole other kind of rough.
Less than a month after sharing what happened, I found myself on a mission trip in Mexico. While this was probably the best team I have ever been a part of, the trip itself was probably one of the hardest I’ve ever been on. I couldn’t find my groove ministerially, I barely spoke, I began to think really negative thoughts about myself and my spiritual giftings. I started overthinking and overanalyzing everything around me, and even found myself beginning to question the validity of some strong rooted, godly, long-term friendships.
When we returned home I spent a lot of time hanging out with the Lord trying to sort through why that trip was so hard for me, and why my mind was continuing to grow uncontrollable. I thought I found my footing a couple of times and was starting to see the light only to realize I had lost my footing again and was slipping back down into the rut.
It didn’t stop in Mexico, though. As time has continued I’ve barely spoken at any of our church gatherings or meetings. Not even at the Bible studies every Tuesday night, nor when I’ve felt that intense burn on the inside.. the one I know is Holy Spirit asking me to share something. I’ve found myself begging God to keep my mouth closed at times, telling Him I’m not worthy to share His words and that I don’t want Him to ask me to do it anymore. This insane need to find ways to please people (not the Lord) has nearly taken over me. Like an unhealthy need to prove something to others in order to regain favor. This part eventually led to a total meltdown with one of my closest friends a couple of weeks ago simply because she told me how she felt about something. Everything has become questionable… my value, my gifts, my calling… my ability to hear, speak, see God’s truth… everything. I literally have questioned everything. And all the while, the answer to the question was right in front of me…
He told me this was going to happen.
Wait. What? He did?
Yep…
That crazy dream from September has probably ended up being the most prophetic dream I have ever had. It all happened. All of it. It all came to pass.
But here’s what’s happening now…
Now that hindsight is 20/20, He reminded me of the second part of the message He gave me that weekend. The one that came on that emotional Sunday when I confessed. And I’m so thankful I listened to Him when He told me to write it down in my notes for later on.
The second part of His message that weekend was that I need to fight through and past the battles, and continue leading the charge. Now, it’s time for this part to come to fulfillment.
You see, there was another stumble. It happened and I am not demeaning it at all. In fact, I’ve actually taken further steps to ensure there are more intense levels of accountability for me. There are still consequences for what we do even though we’re forgiven, right? Think about it from a justice standpoint in the judicial system. My consequence this time is my privacy. A consequence I’m glad to accept because I WANT to remain walking in freedom. I have a great friend who has been given the ability to see everything I do on every electronic, internet capable device in my home. No secrets. Nothing hidden. Everything exposed. She’s my spy! lol. And I praise God for her because she’s one who will definitely kick me if I need a good whoopin’! 
Thank you Jesus for friends who give of themselves to serve those they love.
Here’s the thing, though… just because I was down doesn’t mean I have to stay down, right? Of course that’s right! Even on a battlefield, you may find yourself losing your footing, but all you have to do is stand back up, or look around for the hand right beside you. Just like you, I have a purpose… even when the enemy tries to tell me I don’t. I know I’m supposed to be a flame starter. A spark that sets things in motion. I have crazy stories that God somehow always uses to draw people to Him. It’s not because of anything I do, of course… it’s because of Him. And the enemy often tries so hard to keep my mouth closed.
Over the last month and a half I’ve been meditating consistently on the two letters to the Corinthians. Not studying, mind you… meditating. Just reading them plainly like the letter they were/are, and simply allowing Holy Spirit to reveal truth to me as I read. The big things He keeps pointing out to me? Correction. Discipline. Encouragement.
Correction is necessary, ya know? We don’t like to hear that, but it’s truth. We MUST experience this in order to change. How can a change in course happen without a correction being made in the path? Now, we can choose to accept the correction or not. But if we don’t, understand that not altering the course will lead to deeper forms of correction. Discipline. We may find ourselves soon hitting a tree, or a pole, or an iceberg. That’s the, often times, painful “discipline” that comes so we understand why the correction was important. This is still a good thing, though. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to grieve. To feel sorrow and have to work through pain when it’s a godly pain.
As Paul shares with the church of Corinth in 2 Corinthians chapter 7… godly correction brings a godly grief and sorrow. It might hurt at first, but this godly kind of grief and sorrow is actually a good thing. It’s the kind that eventually leads to repentance, which leads to salvation! That word right there – Salvation! – well, that makes all the sorrow and grief worthwhile in the end, not regrettable.
I am sorry for what happened. That’s truth. I regret stumbling again, of course. But what I don’t regret is the lessons He keeps teaching me through it, and the freedom that comes after processing the sorrow. Just like me, the Corinthians messed up a lot, but they wanted to get it right. That’s why Paul never gave up on them. You want to know what else Paul told them in chapter 7 that really got me sobbing in my prayer closet a few weeks ago? That he was proud of them. Even in the midst of all of their troubles and hardships, he was proud of them and loved them. He saw what they were capable of, and believed in them.
Man… that part still gets me. I’m literally tearing up right now. He was speaking from the heart of God!
God believes in you, too, ya know! That’s really all we should need to hear. Yes, we need good, godly friends for good council and accountability, but His believing in us, God believing in us and speaking those words “I’m proud of you”… oh, how it should light a fire on our insides! A good fire that makes us move and change!
Even in the midst of all the craziness of this year, one thing I know He’s made very clear to me is this: I hear Him. He speaks to me. I question this all the time, but He always confirms it when it’s Him. Not only do I hear Him, but He also wants me to speak for Him. I don’t know how nor specifically who this is for, but He wants me to tell you that you can hear Him too. Maybe it’s for all of you who are reading. He’s proud of you. And He wants to tell you, Himself.
